Aries (3/21-4/19) — Your Medicaid claim for pigeon toes will be rejected because they’re the result of your own free will. Your barstool at Hayley’s will be occupied by at least two sorority girls. Someone will playfully “boop” you on the nose and you won’t be amused. Your lucky Easter egg contains Johnson’s Foot Soap®.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — With the start of youth baseball season, you’ll add parents everywhere to your prayer list. With three weekly practices and games every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, anyone raising two Dixie boys has likely died on the inside. Your lucky Easter egg contains less money than you’d hoped.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After watching a viral video of a passenger being forcefully removed from a United Airlines flight, you’ll help another airline capitalize by suggesting a new slogan: “Delta: We’ll never hurt you on purpose.” Your lucky Easter egg contains a smaller, more secular egg.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll get kicked off a flight for refusing to wear pants, your rationale being ultimate comfort. That won’t fly on the airline without designated seats. You’ll book on Delta with no problems. Your lucky Easter egg contains a brand-new pair of Zubaz.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll write letter after nasty letter in hopes of preventing a remake of “Dune” from happening. Your lucky Easter egg contains a copy of the first season of “Doctor Who” on DVD. Don’t worry, it’s larger than it looks on the inside.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Working on an Easter egg hunt at your office, you’ll mix up the kids’ eggs with the adult-themed eggs. You won’t realize the mistake until the boss’s 4-year-old slurs his speech more than normal. Your lucky Easter egg contains more Easter eggs, like a Russian matryoshka doll.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Hungover from a night of whiskey and “The Detour,” you’ll try to accumulate enough stamina to run in a charity fundraiser. You’ll most definitely throw up, something you hate to do. Your lucky Easter egg contains all the booze.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — On behalf of the state, you’ll write a compassionate letter to Gov. Kay Ivey explaining that the people of Alabama wouldn’t mind footing the bill if she wants to buy all new furniture for her office at the Capitol. Your lucky Easter egg contains an unborn chicken.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll employ the holy ordination you earned online and host a Easter sunrise service. You’ll baptize the gathering of vagrants with water from your birdbath. They just came for a free breakfast. Your lucky Easter egg contains a single cashew.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Your eccentric Google searches this week will include images for “waxy earbuds” and videos for “humane euthanasia.” You’ll be momentarily concerned when your car sputters, but likely not concerned enough. Your lucky Easter egg contains leftover Christmas candy.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — A long joke on the new Louis C.K. Netflix special hits especially hard and forces you to re-evaluate your life. In response, you’ll begin writing a passionate email to the comedian, before realizing what a horrible idea that really is. Your lucky Easter egg contains common sense.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Things will get testy after your in-laws get involved in a home improvement project. It’ll be important to remember good help is hard to find, and there is no way to hit someone with a hammer and avoid jail. Your lucky Easter egg contains white guilt.
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