Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll lead the charge to change the name of the Mobile BayBears upon PETA’s request. The mascot, you’ll argue, conjures up images of drowning bears. On the suggestion, the team will change its name to the Jumbo Shrimp, you know, to be ironic.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — This July 4 you’ll set off fireworks of your own when you drink a little too much Fireball. The alcohol will force you to gyrate on your niece’s swing set while badly singing Katy Perry lyrics. The “performance” will end when you fall out of a swing and pass out.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — When a rich relative dies, you’ll inherit $1 million and buy a home on the pristine shores of Mobile Bay. To keep up with the Joneses, you’ll use leftover funds to purchase a golf cart and immediately start a petty feud with your neighbors.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Hearing Daphne postponed a vote to ban handbill distribution, you’ll throw out your Parade tabloid collection. For the next two weeks, you’ll happily litter the neighborhood and city waterways with old copies of the lifestyle rag without being hassled by the man.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll see an influx of alligators hanging out at bars around town. At first you’ll attribute the sightings to the species’ annual mating season, but upon investigation you’ll discover the real reason they are here: the improvements at Daphne’s Gator Alley.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll perform at MOJO’s nod to McCartney and Lennon to ensure Ringo Starr receives all due respect. Your renditions of “Back Off Boogaloo” and “La De Da” will fail to move the audience, but your portrayal of his role in “The Magic Christian” will bring them around again.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — To protest the closing of The Hungry Owl, you’ll dress up in a large bird suit and go on a hunger strike. In your resulting delirium, you’ll beg to be fed, but will only accept previously chewed and regurgitated earthworms.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Striving to achieve gender equality, you’ll establish the Distinguished Young Men scholarship program. In spite of the candidates’ intelligence and poise, the organization’s reputation will be ruined by a diarrhea plague after the Conecuh sausage-eating contest.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll be excited to learn your next business venture will be receiving public support from the county and city. After promising to create and retain three to four part-time jobs, your dream of a roller-derby laundromat will be $5 million closer to fruition.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After hearing the mayor’s plan to remove 17 live oak trees downtown, you’ll propose a compromise — a pulley system in the trees to swing the disabled to their downtown destinations. Like the oaks, your idea will be quickly cut down.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After a news outlet covers a story you didn’t care to see, you’ll vow to “unlike” their Facebook page. To drive the point home, you’ll click on several links to write negative comments in the section just under the paid advertisements.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll swear your child’s pediatrician to secrecy when you rush your baby to the doctor following a Cheerios accident. While stacking the honey nut version of the delicacy on your baby’s nose, a piece of the cereal will fall and stick in her nostril.
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