Cancer (6/22-7/22) — A vacation with your in-laws a week from Wednesday will actually prove beneficial. You’ll behave so badly during a game of Monopoly they’ll vow never to invite you again. Your significant other will also leave for good, but you’ll finally get some time alone.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Like everyone else in Mobile, you’ll announce your candidacy for City Council District 2. Your platform will be simple: You’ll run on the promise to ban cilantro from all restaurants within the city limits. You’ll lose but earn the adoration of dozens of people for whom the herb tastes like soap and ruins Mexican food.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Angry over the misappropriation of Martina McBride’s “Independence Day” during the many celebrations of the country’s birth a few days ago, you’ll make several attempts to reach the country singer to do a PSA about the domestic abuse song. The attempts will lead to stalking allegations and a restraining order from the former superstar. Your argument in court will be to “let freedom ring.”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — With the NCAA changing its rules for player sponsorships, you’ll use your four years of remaining eligibility to try to join the University of South Alabama baseball team. Not only will no company leap at the chance to sponsor you, but the Jaguars won’t be in need of a balding, nearly 40-year-old left fielder with chronic back trouble.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — With no more federal holidays until Labor Day in September, you lobby Congress to create JulyGust. The two-day celebration of early summer’s transition to late summer will always be scheduled July 21 to Aug. 1, but if it falls on a weekend, it will be observed on Monday.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — In an act of kindness toward all humanity, you’ll hack the navigation system of Jeff Bezos’s and Richard Branson’s spaceships and send both billionaires hurtling through deep space infinitely. In another moment of technological compassion, you’ll make sure Elon Musk’s rocket explodes on the launchpad.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You and your entire disc golf team will suffer once the league comes under the guidance of the World Anti-Doping Agency. Although marijuana isn’t known as a performance-enhancing drug, strangely, you’re suddenly hitting triple bogeys on every basket.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Now that Bill Cosby has been released from prison, you stop eating Jell-O products again. Fortunately, your boycott of Subway ended when Jared’s conviction was upheld.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Remembering theaters have reopened, you’ll go see John Krasinski’s latest hit movie, looking forward to the pseudo-spiritual experience only a dimly lit room full of strangers can provide. Instead, you’ll miss your own quiet place — your house, where popcorn and a movie are a fraction of the price and no one props their feet mere inches from your face. Some things are worth leaving behind.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After spending a fun weekend swimming in Dog River, you’ll wake up with the ability to sense when a parade is coming down the street. In what doctors will eventually describe as “mild powers at best,” you’ll be referred to in this very publication as “Mobile Man.” You can’t really help the police or fight bad guys, but you’re great with crowd control.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — To improve municipal election participation in Mobile, you’ll get the council to agree to follow in New York City’s footsteps and implement ranked-choice voting. However, in typical Mobile political fashion, the 2021 winners will be those candidates chosen third for each position.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be the inaugural winner of the Nappies’ 2022 category of “Mobilian the Rest of Mobile Wants to Send to Space.” You’ll rack your brain for what about you will turn most people off. It could be your constant bad mood or your terrible sense of humor, but most likely it’s your Irritable Bowel Syndrome-induced flatulence from your love of ice cream.
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