Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – You’ll start to regret your pleasant demeanor after being asked to join another wedding party – your second such request this year. You could have repressed jealousy caused by being single, but most likely the true culprit of your indifference is the terribleness of weddings themselves. After pretending to listen to details about the required attire for a few minutes, you’ll finally snap and run away to deepest reaches of the southern wild. As luck would have it, you’ll stumble into an armadillo’s nuptials and be asked to bear witness.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – Paying attention has always been a struggle for you that will be highlighted next week when you order the wrong menu item at a local greasy spoon. Your inattention to detail will lead to what can only be described as a gastrointestinal blitzkrieg, after you order the 72-ounce steak. You hate leaving food on your plate, with all the starving kids everywhere, so you will spend three hours consuming the half-steer and longer than that on the toilet when you get back to the house.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – Your tropical vacation will take a horrendous turn, as you learn that age is, in fact, more than a number. The Caribbean beat carried by the steel drums will give you the courage to try to limbo. You will make it through the first few rounds with no problem, but when the bar is lowered a few inches below where a human body is supposed to bend you will sense impending doom. The answer to the question “how low can you go?” will be answered when your entire body shuts down.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – Angered by the results of a Facebook-sponsored IQ test, you will un-friend everyone bragging about their score. The resulting “friendpocalypse” will leave you with only your parents as friends on the social networking site. You knew you weren’t a Mensa candidate, but you know darn well that the guy you knew in high school who ate glue and wet the bed until senior year isn’t either. In a fit of rage, you will blame your computer for the unsavory results from the dumb test and throw it from your second-floor office window.
Sagittarius (10/23 – 11/21) – You will go to the nearest emergency room to get treatment for burns, after a moment of friskiness will lead your significant other to pour hot candle wax on your back. What seems like a good idea when copulation is still a possibility, quickly becomes a mistake when you begin icing down your third layer of skin. The situation will get even more awkward when the nurses roll you by gurney into the “sex injuries” ward. It wouldn’t be so bad, except for the box labeled “Lost and Found” in the corner.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – After a hot afternoon filled with yard work, you will be approached by a city employee, who will cite you for leaving leaves and grass clippings on the side of the street. When failing to avoid the ticket by calmly explaining that littering can’t include unaltered things normally found in nature, you pick up a bag of leaves and head to Government Plaza in a huff. You release the “litter” in the middle of the building, while calmly singing the “Battle Hymn of the Republic.”
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – You return from an outdoor event covered in sweat and wondering why anyone would name their child “August.” There are far better months of the year, with much lovelier names, but every time that parent refers to their offspring you think of the severe chaffing you once experienced in the humid heat. The best way to avoid a potential conflict is with a tall glass of sweet iced tea. For maximum results, lay beneath a ceiling fan spread-eagle.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Don’t let your lunch plans be foiled by a missing microwave oven. Someone has been trying to manage a strategic re-arranging of furniture and appliances, but has failed to take into account your mid-day meal needs. Now is the time to put those scouting skills to use and improvise some heat with the sun’s golden rays and a magnifying glass. It’s OK to temporarily weaponize the technique, because burning stuff is fun.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – Annoyed by the lack of quality in today’s Happy Meal toys, you begin a change.org petition to convince a major corporation to give you more for less. The effort ends when a lobbying group representing Chinese plastics manufacturers sends a delegate to your doorstep. He’s wearing a bright red wig, a dumb yellow outfit and clown shoes, but threatens, in humorous Engrish, to encase you and your family in polymer casks. You vow to steer all children away from Chicken McNuggets.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – A very appealing display of chips and dip will lure you in next week. You’ll feverishly dip the glorious wavy potato chip into the luscious glob of goodness and shove it into your mouth without a second thought. A sharp pain will immediately overtake your entire being as the chip relentlessly stabs the roof of your mouth. Your mouth will swell and cause you pain for weeks to come, resulting in an inability to drink coffee or eat anything at all for that matter. Your career will suffer, but on a more positive note, you’ll lose 10 pounds.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – With all the talk of the Ebola virus in the U.S., you’ll decide you aren’t taking any chances. You’ll take note from John Travolta and develop your own plastic bubble incubator. After deciding to wear only a spacesuit-like contraption out in public to protect yourself against germs, people will start to take notice of your efforts. You’ll be approached by a suspicious looking character who offers you a movie deal. He says it will be “sick,” and you oblige. The film will have a modest opening weekend, ensuring you can afford to make the bubble your permanent home.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – The horrible smell of paint fumes will overwhelm you when you enter your office next week. Not only will the smell cause you to have a headache and blurred vision, the new, hideous orange color on the walls will make you cross eyed. Forced to wear sunglasses inside, you’ll curse whoever did this under your breath, but by the time you leave work for the day, you’ll be high enough from the fumes to send mean social media insults to the people who did this to you and demand worker’s compensation.