Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – After you make the mistake of bringing sandals to a weekend trip to New Orleans, young people making fun of you will be the least of your worries. Stepping into a mysterious puddle will have the smell of Jameson and old seafood following you the rest of trip. That sticky-feet sensation will last well into the drive home, and eventually you’ll be forced to throw your favorite shoes out the window. Tragically, they’ll hit a Louisiana State Trooper. You’ll end up the recipient of an unwanted “Cajun Encounter.”

Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – While mowing the lawn this weekend, you’ll be shocked to hear the blades come to a screeching halt. Never one to let a job go unfinished, you’ll attempt to cut the remainder of the grass with kitchen scissors. As you slowly manicure the edges around the back patio, you’ll find yourself face to face with an armadillo. After watching you scurry inside, the friendly critter picks up the scissors you’ll drop and finishes the yard work for you. Apparently he’s doing one of those “pay it forward” things from Facebook.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – Taking advantage of the Flora-Bama’s 50th Anniversary prices, you’ll head down to the famed beach bar this weekend armed with only a $100 bill. After a few rounds of 50-cent draft beer and $1.50 hamburgers, you’ll start to feel a little less like Jimmy Buffet and a little more like Jimmy Hoffa. While swimming in the ocean at night isn’t recommended, getting sick on the sands of Orange Beach isn’t either. Eventually, you’ll get it together and walk into Florida to open up an Alvin’s Island.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – Your long-lost techno album from the ‘90s will get a second wind on the Internet, prompting you to quit your job and head out on the road. Though it’s been a while since “Glass Dragon” took the stage, it slowly comes back to you like riding a bicycle or making ketamine. After a few shows on the east coast, you’ll finally get called up the big leagues of the dance concert circuit – an abandoned warehouse. To say you’ll soon be living the dream is quite an understatement.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – You feel like you haven’t been getting enough exercise lately. Your clothes have been getting a little snug, but you keep telling yourself your pants are just shrinking. You’ll finally accept the fact you’re actually getting bigger and you’re pants aren ‘t getting smaller. Just in the knick of time, you’ll come across an ad for a treadmill desk and fork out the $2,000 plus to purchase one. After installing it proudly in your office, you’ll realize you’re not the best multitasker. A body cast will fit you perfectly.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – After realizing you missed National Chicken Wing Day, you’ll feel like a complete failure but redeem yourself with a trip to Hooters. You’ll question your priorities and wonder how you weren’t aware of such a glorious event. You might have missed the $12.99 all-you-can-eat wings special, but you plan to show them who’s boss anyway. Not only will you order enough wings for a party of five, but you’ll order the spiciest sauce too. This will lead to lots of beer drinking. Before you know it, someone will decide it’s your birthday, and you’ll be on the bar shaking your salt shaker.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – With the second tropical disturbance of the 2014 hurricane season out in the Atlantic, you’ll become increasingly paranoid. While your favorite meteorologist (he never lies) suggests it will most likely become Tropical Storm Bertha within the next 10 days, you decide it’s time to pull out the trusty hurricane survival plan. After purchasing an absurd amount of canned goods, batteries and flashlights, you’ll board up your windows and ride out the looming storm. Turns out the storm will never come. You emerge resembling Robin Williams from “Jumanji.”

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – After watching the “Mean Social Media” Nappie Awards video that pretty much went viral (yes, it was that good), you now have a strong desire to be a “bird on a power line.” Someone in the video believes it is the worst song ever, and even though you still don’t know what the song is really about, you like the concept. Being up there just seems so empowering. You’ll embark on your adventure, but you won’t get too far before realizing you can’t even climb up a power pole. Let’s face it, you’re no ninja warrior. As a result, you’ll find another inspiration from the Nappie video and become a drunken bartender. Hey, Dr. Z says that’s more fun anyway.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – You may find yourself at the business end of a gun barrel after a supermarket loss prevention employee catches you sampling the grapes. The tension gets amped up when a customer pulls out his own gun, then another customer pulls out their gun. All the sudden the entire market is in an old-fashioned Western standoff. All hell breaks loose when a balloon pops in the greeting card aisle. The mop boy will be busy today.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – Somewhere between your 30th liter of water and third trip to Waffle House in as many days, your Nappie Awards hangover finally subsides. You’re still trying to put the pieces back together, but everything is kind of hazy after you gave yourself an award for Most Likely to Finish This Bottle of Jäger. The smoking gun comes from survelliance footage from a local bar, where you apparently invented a drink called “The Smoking Gun.” That also explains your scortched beard.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – Face it, you’re addicted to a new smartphone app. Your productivity suffers and relationships are strained after you become enamored with a digital tool that promises endless fun with mindless challenges. Luckily, you manage to salvage at least one of those relationships with yet another app, one that looks really stupid but became popular after Ellen DeGeneres played it with her friends on her show. It’s not the first time Ellen saved your ass. And it won’t be last time either.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – An encounter with a spicy condiment leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Not a huge fan of anything referred to as “tangy,” you are unpleasantly surprised by an unlisted ingredient in an otherwise tasty dish. Contrary to your normal cheerful demeanor, you complain to a server and send the dish the back. You’re compensated with a bland substitute, and is that somebody else’s saliva or your own?