Taurus (4/20-5/20)
— After exercising for the first time months, you’ll nearly pass out from the sudden stress to your body. The scene will cause quite a stir at the local Anytime Fitness. As seasoned athletes drag your body from the elliptical, you’ll manage to fit in a few words between gasps, just in time to convince the group you haven’t died. Concerned, they’ll ask if you need anything, but in a needless display of hubris, you’ll decline any assistance before leaving the gym in shame, never to return.

Gemini (5/21-6/21)
— You’ll be one of the dozens lured into believing music legend Stevie Wonder isn’t actually blind. Your eyes will be opened, so to speak, after a short-sighted documentary questions several aspects of his so-called visionless life. The frequency with which he purchases courtside NBA seats will be explained and his grabbing of a falling microphone live on camera will at last make sense. The final evidence will be presented in the stunning still photographs he sells through a website called “What a WONDERful World.”

Cancer (6/22-7/22)
— In a scene similar to “The Wizard of Oz,” an early spring tornado will pick up you and your dog in Mobile and drop you in the magical land of Foley for the Gulf Coast Hot Air Balloon Festival. In this extraordinary place you’ll sip on vanilla Cokes at Stacy’s Drugs with a politician, you’ll shop at Tanger with a salesman and you’ll walk into the megachurch expecting to a catch a movie with a local attorney. You’ll then catch a ride back to Mobile in a hot air balloon.

Leo (7/23-8/2 3)
— Because you’re irresponsible with your money, you’ll invest in a clothing-optional dining establishment in Fairhope. The restaurant will serve a Paleo-inspired menu with venison as the only meat option. The Naked Buck will make waves in the tight-knit community for being an abomination. Soon, though, curiosity will get the best of residents and several will decide to try it. The first night the establishment caters to the retired masses, it will shut down forever. You’ll quickly learn a valuable lesson: When it comes to restaurants, it’s suntan lotion, lotion, lotion.

Virgo (8/24-9/22)
— You’ll achieve internet stardom by posing as a “Star Wars: Episode VIII” production assistant and leaking the film’s fake plot online. The story, scribbled on napkins and flattened Dixie cups in your mom’s basement, involves Rey and Luke Skywalker traveling the galaxy in the Millennium Falcon in search of Rey’s father, Jar Jar Binks. In a surprise twist ending, Luke will be revealed as the reincarnated villainous Count Dooku, intent on raising a zombie Yoda from the dead and together crushing the rebellion.

Libra (9/23-10/22)
— Inspired by Major League Baseball walk-up songs, you’ll buy a boombox and carry it around on your shoulder playing the Cranberries’ song “Zombie” every time you enter a room at home, work and even at the grocery store. While most of your coworkers will ask to be transferred after hearing singer Dolores O’Riordan’s off-key yodeling on repeat on Monday, you’ll form a new friendship with Mustafa from accounting, president of the Baldwin County Cranberries Fan Club.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)
— As conspiracy theories stack up on social media in Baldwin County, you’ll start a business selling tinfoil hats to the fringe folks around town. The business will take off and you’ll discover it is actually you who is in the minority, everyone else from Bay Minette to Gulf Shores is right. Eventually you’ll fall for a Facebook rumor that the Bilderbergers, led by apartment developers and Fairhope city officials, are meeting in a secret bunker underneath the Mega Site to discuss FEMA camps.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22)
— A simple chore will get out of hand when you decide to expand it into a transformative project requiring months of labor to complete. It won’t be intentional, but rather the result of simultaneously listening to an audiobook too intriguing to pause. The book will reach a disappointing conclusion but the project will prove fulfilling, even if you have to commit to several hundred hours of mindless podcasts along the way.

Capricorn (12/23-1/19)
— Your Mother’s Day brunch will be delivered by a dreamy server who answers every request with “as you wish.” His effort will be complicated by a Spanish swordsman on the hunt for revenge and a pair of mismatched outlaws on a quest to kidnap a runaway bride. Meanwhile, an enraged prince will try to hurry things up and a sick kid in an alternate dimension keeps nagging his poor old grandfather for details. Never mind, Eric, you just fell asleep drinking mimosas and watching “The Princess Bride” again.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
— After instinctively hesitating before entering a unisex bathroom, you become concerned you’re not quite sure which sex to identify with. Sure, you and your biznass have had some very instinctive and rewarding experiences together, but the possibility of having to do your business in the same room as someone of the opposite sex has you very speculative of your instincts altogether. You just lock the door behind you for the time being, but eventually you’ll be reassured by the message in a fortune cookie, in bed.

Pisces (2/19-3/20)
— You’ll accidentally get locked inside the Shoppes of Bel Air over the weekend, and with no cellular service able to penetrate the decades-old roofing, you’ll be stranded until the following day. Hours into the captivity, your footsteps will draw the attention of a band of feral emo kids that have lived in the mall since My Chemical Romance was cool. After completing a series of initiation rituals, you’ll join their ranks to traipse the mall for years to come as you scoff at the basic people in Lids and PAC-SUN.

Aries (3/21-4/19)
— You’ll draw the internet’s ire after leaving a well-intentioned message to a server on the receipt from a local restaurant. At the time, you won’t see, “Keep your head up. I was a waitress once, too.” as the blatant microaggression it clearly is. Though you’ll leave a $20 cash trip on the table, that detail will be left out of the server’s Facebook rant calling people like you “America’s real problem.” Ultimately, the backlash of the soon-to-be-viral post will lose you your job as a restaurant hostess.