Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – You will get bombarded in the office by phone calls from creditors related to the debt carried by a former employee. You will begin to sympathize with your former coworker as you realize the person has enough debt to dissuade a Chinese investor. It’ll be a nice feeling, for once, thinking of debt that isn’t yours. On a side note, your next trip to the DMV will be downright enjoyable. It’s not all bad.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – Inspired by events in Eastern Ukraine, you will attempt to take over your neighbor’s backyard. You’ve had your eyes on taking a dip in his plastic kiddie pool for a while and the diplomatic approach just wasn’t working. Your move will be the final straw for the neighborhood association, which has dealt with the length of your lawn in the past. To sum up a long, court-filled story, you will be forced to live behind a Hardee’s, due to your indiscretions.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – You will have a heated argument with your neighbor after you wake up to discover a panel van emblazoned with a vividly colorful, geometric pattern parked in your yard. To make matters worse the long-haired, tie-dye shirt-wearing driver, who is friends with your neighbor will be out on your dew-glazed lawn changing the oil on his predator van. The raucous parties and boisterous “alone-time” noises were bad enough, but no hippie parks on your lawn.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) – Your adventurous spirit will drown when you bet a friend you can get drunk on non-alcoholic beer. You will begin the ill-advised experiment by shotgunning O’Doul’s. You will be forced to stop when you become convinced that most of your bodily fluids have been converted to the disgusting swill. You won’t win the bet, but your urine with have a head on it for two weeks. Your significant other will yammer on about something, or other, but you won’t be paying attention.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – You’re going to be wrongfully profiled and searched in Midtown for wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt, but luckily you won’t be holding because the bank is going to hold your check until Monday. No longer taking your freedoms for granted, you’ll try out a few high-gravity beers at Loda Bier Garten. Unfortunately, the evening climaxes when you climb the spiral stairs and try to fight the upright bass player. You lose because upright bass players are fierce —unassuming, but fierce.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) – You’ll break out the tank top when the weather warms up over the weekend. You might even try to fix your old bicycle, but the stars can’t be sure. You typically don’t accomplish things you set out to do. With that in mind, you’ll take the broken bike for a ride down Airport Boulevard because it’s faster than driving. It actually won’t break, but several motorists will yell at you, making you sad.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – After spending the weekend at South Sounds Music Festival, you’ll realize your band doesn’t have nearly enough beards, rolled-up jeans or random drums on stage to make it in today’s music scene. You’ll buy a vest and a poncho, but ultimately decide nothing seems to fit the image you’re going for. A lengthy wait for a Frappuccino will also prompt you to officially boycott Starbucks. You’ll spend the next couple of mornings trying to figure out how to steam milk in a microwave oven.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – You’ll feel a mix of validation and fear as the electrical grid finally goes down and humans slowly begin to turn into the primal beasts they were meant to be. After fashioning a spear from a crepe myrtle branch, you’ll head to get some bread and water. You’ll look mighty foolish when you storm into Winn-Dixie only to find the power has come back on. It actually didn’t even go off. You just accidently leaned up against a light switch. You’ll still buy the bread though.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – This weekend you’ll learn the hard way you can’t have a champagne brunch and a productive Sunday afternoon. The grass will not get mowed and you won’t get an early start on the stuff you’ve got to turn in at work. As of matter of fact, you’ll wake up from a drunken food coma only to a have beers at a low country boil. At this point, you’ll get sad you haven’t yet managed to carve out a life for yourself that only consists of drinking and eating.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – Taking a step back to admire your house painting skills, you will fall off of a ladder. Not only do you get a lesson in humility, the universe will throw in a lesson in physics free of charge. You can look forward to spending next week with your arm in a sling, and you won’t be accomplishing much at work. However, you will profoundly develop your nose typing skills, at the expense of your workplace friendships. That is of course with the exception of creepy, copy room Steve. Steve adores nose typing.
Aquarius (1/20 -2/18) – Family members will threaten to disown you when an Easter egg hunt at the old homestead gets a little too competitive over the coming weekend. A few beers will be all you need to begin bragging to your little cousins about your egg hunting skills. Before long you will find yourself in the back of your parents’ yard, tackling the youngsters and stealing their eggs. You will start to laugh maniacally as they weep.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – A relaxing day at the house will spark rage when you can’t figure out the answer to 19 down in the crossword puzzle inside your favorite neighborhood newspaper. The anger will build the next week when that very same newspaper won’t provide the correct answers to the puzzle. I guess you’ll never find out a nine-letter word for government failure. Government failure is just too broad a topic. You won’t win the lottery this week. You should stop trying.
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