Leo (7/23-8/23) — Successfully avoiding video clips and political spin for an entire week after the first televised GOP debate, you emerge from your cave with a guarded sense of optimism for humanity. Content the sky is not falling, socialists haven’t raided your bank accounts and illegal immigrants have yet to invade your neighborhood, you decide to treat yourself to an ice cream cone. You’ll find the excessive heat and humidity and a back-to-school rush have made most flavors unavailable so, much like the GOP, you’ll end up settling for vanilla soft serve.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’re hit with a new sitcom idea after learning two county employees have informed an independent review panel they will not be interviewed separately regarding a questionable million-dollar contract. “Joey and Me” is part “Mike & Molly” and part “Laverne & Shirley,” but generally just a farce about a complicated work relationship and shenanigans between the two titular characters. Networks show interest in your pilot, despite it just being dialog about technical specifications while the pair commute together, work together, eat together and go to the bathroom together.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Memories flood back as you take in the new Dr. Dre album — his first in 15 years — along with the new N.W.A biopic “Straight Outta Compton,” in theaters Friday. Never mind the fact you were raised in an Eastern Shore cul-de-sac, lined by brick houses with manicured lawns, and you skated through private school and college with a trust fund, tracks such as “F*ck tha Police” and “Gangsta, Gangsta” continue to speak to you on a personal level. Your fraternity brothers and business associates will schedule a joint intervention after you light up a blunt during a PTA meeting and start calling everyone the B word.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After spending the last week watching the state legislature debate cutting essential programs from the state budget, you’ll finally get around to examining your own expenses. You’ll spend a week studying receipts, deciding day care, school supplies, groceries, Mexican food and hot wings obviously have to make the cut. After an intense internal review and only $50 in proposed savings from suspended trips to the Redbox, you’ll have to come back next month for a special session.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — When your company springs for a luxury box at Hank Aaron Stadium, your love for America’s pastime will be rekindled. You’ll spend the rest of the weekend perusing your old baseball card collection and on Sunday evening, you’ll break out the Louisville Slugger for a round of backyard batting practice. After about an hour, the fun will end when you launch a homer over the fence and through the kitchen window of your neighbor’s house. Afraid, you’ll destroy all the evidence and blame your child for the mishap.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — With the news the new “Fantastic Four” film bombed in its opening weekend, you’ll decry the lack of originality of comic book movies in Hollywood. You’ll remember that one, “Dead Dude,” you wrote with a buddy in high school. After a discussion with said friend, the two of you decide to pitch a “Dead Dude” movie to all the major studios. The story of a dude, who is dead, battling the forces of decomposition is sure to turn a profit in creativity-starved Hollywood.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — With Donald Trump upset with Megyn Kelly about her “unfair” questions during the first Republican primary debate, you won’t know where to put your political allegiances going forward. While you’ve supported The Donald since he first started making racist comments, you’ve also trusted Megyn as a defender of Christianity and freedom for several years. Sadly, the pulling from both sides will ultimately cause you to split into two separate people — both of whom inexplicably vote for Lindsey Graham.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — With little research into their cause and no idea that Bernie Sanders was arrested during the Civil Rights movement for orchestrating sit-ins, the young men and women of the #blacklivesmatter movement will continue to interrupt the Democratic candidate’s speaking engagements with protests. After a while, the political toll will cause Sanders — a long-time supporter of racial equality— to become aggressively racist. With no more room left in the Republican primary, Sanders will continue his run as a Democrat, prompting a flurry of Throwback Thursday posts.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — With only a few weeks left until college football season, you’ll start loss-proofing your home. Supplies include a shatter-resistant cover for your TV screen, padding for the walls and unbreakable plastic tumblers. The final preparation is a Xanax prescription. If all else fails, not being able to feel anything (including your face) can certainly take the sting out of a regular-season loss. If somehow your team makes it into the playoffs, you can always ask your doctor for a higher dose.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll applaud the governor for finally taking a stand and removing state funding from any and all grocery stores. Grocery stores have long been at the heart of a divisive debate over the merits of ice cream. For too long, grocery stores have sold ice cream and you feel it must be stopped. Grocery store owners and managers plead that ice cream is only a portion of what they do and they donate ice cream to kids recovering from tonsillectomies. It’ll be too late.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — It’ll be the fourth weekend in a row the neighborhood kids will throw eggs at your house. This time, though, you’re waiting, dressed in fatigues and hiding in the bushes. When you see “the whites of their eyes” you’ll begin hurling left-over boxes of Whoppers, like grenades, at the pre-teens until they run screaming from your front lawn. You’ll enjoy yourself until the cops show up to question you about the incident.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be happy to see Mobile, in fact, become the safest, most business- and family-friendly city in America by 2020. You’ll just hate to see how boring it gets. The powers that be will allow a minority of residents to complain about downtown noise and eliminate all entertainment zones. People will move there by the busloads, attracted by the quiet life. Bars and restaurants will be forced to move across the bay. The lack of business will result in the city collapsing, due to a lack of money. It’ll be a sad decline.