Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – Your lack of college football knowledge will prove to be a true impediment next week for the first time ever. Coworkers around the water cooler will be all abuzz about the Auburn Tigers’ big win last Saturday. When you tell the group that you don’t know anything about football, but read a great book over the weekend, the overweight mailroom manager will pull a ball of mayonnaise out of his mouth, laugh in your face and explain that “people don’t do no readin’ when the foo’ball is on.”
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – You will feel like a kid again while hitching a ride with a friend next week. The slightly cooler September temperatures will convince you to stick your head out the window. Euphoria will encapsulate you, as you feel the wind rush across your face on the drive down the street. Everything will go great until an unlucky bee finds its way to the back of your throat. You will immediately be unable to stop coughing and will force your friend to stop the car. You will eventually just swallow it whole.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – You will play a terrible prank on your neighbors who construct a little library near your house. While no one is looking you will replace on the classics, best-sellers and children’s books, with the works of Dean Koontz. The poor quality of literature in the little bookshare will repel true readers. While many in your neighborhood will be disappointed, it will be a win-win for you. Not only will you get rid of those terrible books your ex left at your house, but you will also get payback for those terrible Christmas lights you had to endure until June.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – Your Facebook page “Free Liquor for Mobile” gains unprecedented success after being mentioned in no fewer than seven articles on al.com in a week. Somehow, that forces the issue to be brought up at the next meeting of the City Council, where it remarkably passes 5-2. The bourbon fountains and vodka-dispensing parking meters will all be thanks to you and your online warriors of social change. It’s also worth mentioning that the revenue generated from DUIs coincidently makes Mobile the safest, most business and family friendly city in America by 2020.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – To get back in the swing of college football season, you’ll start saying unforgivable things to people online. Though the comment section of a budget story isn’t as heated as that of a sports article, your zingers won’t perfect themselves. Before long, you’ll start signing emails with “RTR” and refusing to wear orange for any reason other than hunting safety. You’ll also start rolling up your sleeves to show off your new “Faith, Pride and Roll Damn Tide” tattoo at the ship yard.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – You’ll lose your patience with Siri after she continues to mispronounce all of your friends’ names. With much aggression, you forcefully throw your iPhone into the wall and assume it’s destroyed forever. When you get back from the store with your new Galaxy, you’ll find the police have been called for a report of a domestic dispute. Because state law requires at least one party spend the night in jail, you’ll be on your way to metro while Siri has drinks with her friends to talk about “what her next move is.”
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Alarmed by increasing police militarization, you begin to weld half-inch steel plates on your family sedan. Seeing it as a sign of aggression, your neighbors begin to fortify their own vehicles. In a matter of days sandbag walls have been erected, trenches have been dug, and razor wire strewn around the neighborhood, where now, even the dog can’t take a leak without being watched through the scope of a sniper rifle. You review the rules of engagement when you catch someone pruning your azaleas.
Aires (3/21 – 4/19) – Alarmed by hackers who stole nude photos from celebrities, you login to the “cloud” and realize just how many naked selfies you’ve taken spooning a human-sized pillow. Thankfully there’s no real money shot, and the casual viewer would have a hard time identifying you as the subject, but it’s time for a thorough cloud cleanse. In a moment of super cautiousness, you also delete a burst of photos depicting that time you had a little too much fun with an ice cream cone.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – You begin a petition to save a cute, one-engine fire station in your neighborhood after the new public safety director vows to close it down. Never mind that the only emergency it responded to in the past six months was a collapsing gingerbread house at a six-year-old girl’s slumber party, it adds character to the neighborhood and preserves value to your Old Mobile mansion. You’re not going down without a fight.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – You’ll be invited to a fine dining experience in the near future, where your harmless request for sparkling water will give everyone the impression that you’re a diva. Turns out no one else in your party will think fancy water is a necessity and everyone, even the restaurant staff, will fiercely judge you. Just to shame you, someone at the table will say it’s your birthday and you’ll be subject to the unwanted attention and a dreaded birthday song. In your rage, you’ll douse the entire table with sparkling water and blame it on a misunderstood version of the ice-bucket challenge.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – Your friends have been saying you complain a lot lately. In fact, your email outbox is full of complaint letters written to numerous companies, your apartment complex, various airlines, etc. Taking a suggestion from a friend, you’ll start a blog for all of your very intense, rambunctious complaint letters and the site will go viral almost immediately. You’ll be known as a scrooge, but turns out you’re pretty comical. Being mean and funny all at the same time could turn your Internet fame into a pretty impressive bankroll.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – You’ll get a blast from the past when one of your high school classmates contacts you via social media. The situation will seem harmless at first, but things will get a little weird after the person confesses their undying love to you. To make things even weirder, they’ll also tell you their phone is “broken” and unable to make calls, and their Internet is also “down”—leaving the new Facebook messenger as the only form of communication. Suddenly, you’ll feel like you’re being catfished but you’ll call them out. Turns out it’ll just be ploy by Facebook to trick you into downloading their new messenger, which will steal your identity, invade your privacy, take your nudes and basically ruin your life.