Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — As a classic Sagittarius, you’re calm, collected and mature. However, when co-workers who didn’t attend the University of Alabama bad-mouth this year’s Crimson Tide team, you’ll lose your cool and be upset for the rest of the day. All the “they hate us ’cause they ain’t us” vibes you give off won’t fix your mood.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll take the University of Miami approach to answering questions when you tell friends to not ask you about an embarrassing bathroom accident you’ll have at a Christmas party next week. Too much boozy eggnog for your weak IBS-riddled tum-tum will be all she wrote.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll do an odd thing for a person pushing 40 years old — you’ll write a letter to Santa this year. In your epistle to the Jolly Old Elf, you’ll ask for low-rise khakis and a break from responsibilities for a while. What you’ll get is in an accident on a Bolt scooter that leaves you with a broken ankle. He got you again.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Focusing more on your Southern roots, you’ll start a scented candle company called Y’allidays. With classic Christmas smells like Sweaty December Saturday and Fried Turkey and Taters, the waxy treasures will fly off the shelves. Just one warning: Never produce a smell called Paper Mill in the Rain. It won’t sell.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Your highjacking of your kids’ Advent calendar sparks a household investigation that will begin coming perilously close to catching you. You’ll feel like a trapped rat, but just before you’re nailed, you’ll tear the thing to shreds, smear chocolate in the dog’s fur and let your furry friend take the rap. The perfect crime.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Driven by insane jealousy, you’ll dig out your old pellet gun, smear something dark from the flower bed on your face and on a moonless night, commando-crawl four blocks to shoot holes in an offensively tall inflated Santa in someone’s yard. Your pellets will bounce harmlessly off Old Saint Nick and while crawling home you’ll begin to remember seeing cats in the flower bed.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Once again, you’ll completely forget the multitude of hints your spouse has dropped concerning Christmas gifts and asking is just going to get you in the doghouse. A late-night commercial for ShamWow! sparks your memory, but when presents are opened, you’ll remember it was you who wanted ShamWow!
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Your catalytic converter will soon be stolen off your car and sold for meth, but that’s not bothering you. No one has ever convinced you catalytic needed converting in the first place and it will seem like as good a place as any to stand up to government oppression. You will feel like Patrick Henry.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Things are coming down to the wire and your fantasy football team is right on the verge of either making the playoffs or falling just short for the eighth year in a row. You’re hopeful by not naming your team anything racist, misogynistic, lewd or gross God will smile upon you this year. But God will decide your team name is too boring to care about and your QB will blow out his knee this weekend.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Walking down Springhill Avenue, you’ll stumble and trip over a strange artifact. You believe you have found an ancient leprechaun flute. You will take the item to the nearest pawn shop only to find out it is a makeshift drug pipe.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Seeking an innovative way to use Ladd-Peebles Stadium, you’ll address the Mobile City Council at a future meeting and suggest they rent the facility to the local live action role-playing (LARP) club for its next festival or host the next regional Ultimate frisbee tournament. No spectators will show up to either event, but enough alcohol will be sold to participants in both to cover the monthly maintenance bill.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You have fled from justice in Ohio and are now operating under the alias “Rich Goldbrick.” You’ll go to prison if you step one foot back in the state, but you find avoiding Ohio is the easiest and most pleasurable venture you’ve ever endured. You’ll settle down and create an empire of pool repair service businesses. You retire both rich and in possession of multiple gold bricks.
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