Virgo (8/23-9/22) — After you successfully create a new persona for the nickname “The Mobile Garlic Crusher,” you’ll become incensed to learn that a man in Pensacola goes by the “Emerald Coast Garlic Crusher.” Instead of suing, you’ll challenge him to a garlic crush-off. May the smelliest guy win.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Your excitement over the city’s newest hot bar/salad bar will be crushed when you realize too late that the price-per-pound has left you standing at the counter with a $25 box of macaroni and cheese. The good news is the place will allow you to finance your lunch.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be thrilled when Ladd-Pebbles Sports and Entertainment Complex requires those attending the latest jam band concert there be vaccinated against COVID-19. You’ll feel safe as you become the only one entering the stadium for the event. The good news is the vaccine mandate didn’t impact ticket sales at all.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — After letting your 5-year-old play with your phone for a few minutes to give yourself time to think during a busy weekend day, you’ll begin to get push notifications for every episode of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. Unable to turn them off, you’ll get sucked into the show and the songs will be stuck in your head throughout the workday.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll be saddened to find out you’ve lost your bid to become Mobile’s next mayor. You’ll be shocked that your main platform plank of taking control of Semmes by force failed so miserably.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After being elected to serve District 6 on the City Council, you’ll try every tactic to make your promise to create Robocop a reality. Unfortunately, the robotics technology shown in the classic movie hasn’t arrived yet, so your version of Robocop can be taken out with a small stick.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After losing your latest run for public office, the fury will build until you just can’t take it. You’ll drive around town taking pictures of people walking to work and blasting them on social media, dump a truckload of old tires you cleaned up as a campaign gimmick into a public park and then end it all by punching a police horse. Hopefully the city judge will go easy on you.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — The song “Walking in Memphis” will become stuck in your head for more than three weeks starting right after you read those three words in this horoscope. Your internal dialogue will be nothing but the lyrics to the song full of Southern clichés and catfish references. Fortunately, you’ll discover the Mayo Clinic actually performs emergency surgery on people suffering from Walkinginmemphisitis. You’ll never be able to taste BBQ again, but it’ll be worth it.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — A friend keeps texting you to complain that his plans for wild sex with one gorgeous anonymous woman after another have been interrupted. You’ll become suspicious this is just a version of a guy claiming he has a hot girlfriend in another town, and hire a private detective to get to the bottom of it. The PI will later call to say he didn’t have time to conduct the investigation because he was busy dating your friend’s overflow.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — The installation of a new “industrial” garbage disposal, combined with a rewatching of “Breaking Bad” has you wondering if it would be possible to dispose of a drug dealer’s body by shoving it down your kitchen sink drain. A shortage of dead drug dealers leaves you without much way to find out. A police scanner is your best bet for getting this experiment underway.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Finishing up your meal at a Chinese restaurant, you’ll open a fortune cookie that says “You will vomit for three days.” A massive case of food poisoning proves the cookie right. Thinking back, you’ll realize the fortune was hand written.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Not getting to see Barry Manilow finish his set at the New York Comeback Concert has you furious. There’s nothing this world needs more right now than some “Manilow Magic,” and you’re determined to make it happen. Through a series of clever moves too intricate to describe here, you will get the ‘70s songster onto a makeshift stage in your backyard, which is soon jam-packed with 75-year-old women. Unfortunately, you won’t be paying attention to the hurricane bearing down on us that day.
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