Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — The new year promises new opportunities for you. Chief among those new experiences is a week-long bout of diarrhea that hits in late January. For all the bad things that happened in 2020, the previous year never resulted in a bad case of loosey caboosey. Not a great start to 2021.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Champagne wishes and caviar dreams await you as you pick up two lottery scratchers in Mississippi and bring them back across the border. Dreaming of all the things you’re going to buy with the money instead of reading the directions will result in missing out on $500 because you revealed too many bubbles. Better luck next time.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll learn about gaseous giants during your next trip to the Gulf Coast Exploreum Science Center. Unfortunately, the lesson will not be about the outer planets of our solar system, but instead will be about your body’s reaction to Taco Tuesday. Take care of yourself.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You, being an avid anti-toller, will successfully convince the Alabama Department of Transportation that the Interstate 10 Mobile River Bridge is just a very elaborate, very long driveway across the bay. As ALDOT is known now to give away driveways for free, the problem of how to fund the bridge project is solved. The Mobile City Council will announce a day in your honor.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Promising to leave no rock unturned in your ongoing hunt for missing Trump ballots, you literally begin to turn over rocks. Thousands of years from now when your quest is complete but the ballots remain missing, you take a cue from “Space Balls” and begin to comb the desert.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Not quite satisfied that the rumors of Tanya Roberts’ death are true, you request to inspect her corpse yourself. Even though you find no pulse, you have a hard time accepting this starlet’s time on the big screen is over. As you wheel her out of the coroner’s office on the gurney, you begin brainstorming the screenplay for “Weekend at Tanya’s.”
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be embarrassed when Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger leaks audio of your call discussing lunch plans. Your heart told you to order the French dip with a side of chips, but instead you went with your gut and asked for 11,780 baked beans.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Your new Apple Watch will begin exerting a ridiculous amount of control over your life. It started by telling you to “Do Better Today” each morning, but quickly the AI watch is saying things like “You really look fat in that shirt” and “There’s no way we’re watching ‘The Bachelor!’” It’s like your ex never left.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — While watching “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” you’ll cook up a scheme to actually make yourself age backward, and it will actually work — but only for 30 seconds. That’s not really going to help much, but you will take solace in knowing you’re actually 30 seconds older than you look. It’s something.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Taking a cue from Hilaria Baldwin, you change your name to Oliver or Olivia and begin to feign an Australian heritage. You’ll be canceled on social media after a savvy mate notices you eating a bacon and egg breakfast instead of Vegemite directly out of the jar-io.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll receive a call from someone with a familiar voice encouraging you to “find me some votes.” The caller will alternately tell you that you smell “really, really great” — which seems strange since it’s a phone call — then threaten you with jail time if you don’t comply. When you point out that you have nothing to do with voting, the line will go dead.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Much to your dismay, you’ll realize the McRib is now gone and you never did avail yourself of the sloppy, pressed-meat delicacy. The only way to get out of that funk is to simply Baconate yourself into a stupor. Thankfully, some disgusting sandwiches aren’t seasonal.
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