Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll cause the University of South Alabama to second guess its football ambitions after you single handedly run through the Jaguars’ defensive line. When people start referring to you as The Waterboy, you won’t know whether to be honored or offended. Your back to school resolution is to stop hitting the snooze button.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Feeling like a social justice warrior, you’ll buy a gross of raw eggs and allow them to spoil, then throw them on the doorstep of Spire gas company. Not exactly sure what message it sends, the act will nevertheless be satisfying. Your back to school resolution is to shove a bully into a locker.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Taking the cue from an intelligent dog, you’ll stop wasting your time stuck in Bayway traffic and abandon your vehicle for a jump off the bridge and a long swim instead. Carry a couple of live chickens to keep the gators away. Your back to school resolution is to take better notes.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Despite the lessons learned from the melatonin debacle at Camp Beckwith, you don’t see a problem with slipping your coworkers NoDoz so they can stay awake during your financial forecast presentation. Just make sure they get a bag of complimentary weed when you hand them their pink slips next quarter. Your back to school resolution is to not get sent to the principal’s office.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — In your latest entrepreneurial endeavor, you’ll open a bottling plant for Mobile’s copious rainwater and market it as 100 percent pure Gulf Coast humidity. Not appreciated locally, sales will skyrocket in western states. Your back to school resolution is to stick a year’s worth of chewed gum under your desk.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Unable to stop the tsunami of discount retailers continuing to suck up all the available rural real estate in Alabama, you’ll buy a few stocks in Dollar General. Rest assured your comfortable retirement will come on the back of millions of poor people, but at least they have convenience. Your back to school resolution is to write something profound in the bathroom stall.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In the build-up to Mobile Tiki Week, you’ll binge watch “Moana” 20 times and gather your buddies to choreograph a haka dance. Unfortunately the balsa raft you intended to ride to The Habadasher will be caught in the tradewinds and you’ll drift to New Zealand. Your back to school resolution is to tryout for the team mascot.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In an effort to get the Feds off your back, you’ll sever ties with State Rep. Randy Davis and pledge your allegiance to the state’s monopoly health insurer. To prove your loyalty, you’ll pay BCBS high premiums and copays just for fun. Your back to school resolution is to personalize your uniform within regulatory boundaries.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Knowing Gov. Kay Ivey lacks political tact and stamina, you’ll offer to stand in for her in a debate against Walt Maddox. You’ll win by simply repeating the phrases “fake news,” “crooked Hillary,” and “largest middle-class tax cut in a generation.” Your back to school resolution is to get all your friends to sign your Trapper Keeper.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Reading a Master Gardeners’ story about carnivorous plants, you’ll attempt to rid your yard of mosquitos by replacing your lawn with pitcher plants and sundews. Also proliferating in standing water, your newest pests will be one million apple snails. Your back to school resolution is to make the morning announcements on the PA system.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll take a trip to Gulf State Park to visit the new interpretive center and pedestrian bridge. Your primary takeaway is that the contractors must have got a pretty sweet deal. Your back to school resolution is to give the teacher more apples than they can possible consume.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll challenge Mobile and Baldwin Sheriffs Cochran and Mack to a lip-sync deathmatch. Sadly, both departments will need a new leader after they fail to hit Mariah Carey’s high note in “Emotions” and spontaneously combust. Your back to school resolution is to sadly be on alert for potential school shooters.