Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — After drinking a few spiked eggnogs, you’ll invite yourself to a live nativity scene and become the fourth king. Your gift is a Juul. Your lucky stocking stuffers are Monster Energy drink temporary tattoos.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Attracted to your pecan wreath, an aggressive family of squirrels will nest at your front door. Con: They repel guests. Pro: They gather chestnuts to roast on an open fire. Your lucky stocking stuffer is a “HARDLY WORKING” coffee mug.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Reading in Lagniappe about the history of the nursery industry in Mobile and the recent legalization of hemp products, all signs point to a midcareer change to agriculture. “Grow” for it. Your lucky stocking stuffer is unfluffy divinity.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Opening up after detecting your sympathy, Charles Dion McDowell will confide in you that while his newfound internet fame brings him no happiness, he’s always chasing that necks dollar. Your lucky stocking stuffer is a roll of Flex Tape.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — After watching the Troy Trojans take on the Buffalo Bulls Saturday, you realize the only thing better than one Dollar General Bowl is one Dollar General Bowl per every five square miles of rural Alabama. Your lucky stocking stuffer is a single-serve hot chocolate pouch.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — The only outrage you see in the game “Pop the Pig” is that it’s not a children’s game more accurately entitled “How Foie Gras is Made.” Am I right, Noble South “Meatless Monday” crowd? Your lucky stocking stuffer is menorah socks.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Anticipating the next great esport, you devote all your free time to “Goat Simluator.” Your championship move is not just licking the helicopter and flying with it, but actually piloting the helicopter after licking it. Your lucky stocking stuffer is unidentified hard candies.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In an attempt to bring Fairhope back to its glory days of the 1990s, you propose they scrap that downtown hotel project and replace it with a drive-thru Movie Gallery’s secret back room. Your lucky stocking stuffer would be spoiled if I told you.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Seeking to mimic the success of Spanish Fort’s container park, you invest in a real estate development that repurposes the foreclosed houses of logistics employees laid off after industrywide automation. Your lucky stocking stuffer is the latest issue of “The Watchtower.”
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Rushing to meet your 2018 letter writing quota, you send correspondence to each member of Congress wishing them a Happy New Year and challenging them to accomplish anything at all. Your lucky stocking stuffer is a shocking stocking stuffed with stuffing.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — With warm weather defeating your hopes of a white Christmas, you can still win the bet by arguing that all of your guests arrived wearing quilted vests over button-ups and traded recipes for gluten-free fruitcake. Your lucky stocking stuffer is Al Green’s “The Christmas Album.”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Seeing no sign of a successful legal mediation, you suggest the entire Mobile City Council and Mayor Sandy Stimpson use Fred Richardson’s travel budget to practice meditation and yoga with an Indian guru. Your lucky stocking stuffer is the first book in Quin Hillyer’s “Mad Jones” series.