Beware of Steve’s stanky eggs this Easter

Much like Santa Claus, apparently, we have the Germans to thank for the creation of the Easter bunny. According to a Time magazine article, German immigrants brought the tradition of the egg-laying hare they called “Osterhase” with them when they settled here.

Originally, children made nests that Osterhase could come lay colored eggs in. Which is just weird on many levels, but mainly because I’m pretty sure rabbits don’t lay eggs. In fact, I’m pretty sure they are actually known for fertilizing each other in a different way, and quite often. RRRRRROOOOOOWWWWW! But that’s another story.

Of course, this being America, eventually this tradition was commercialized to include chocolate and toys, and baskets were traded for nests — though the grass used for the nest building is still in existence. I hate that stuff. At least I know who I can thank for it now.

Apparently, other countries have similar Easter traditions but utilize different animals, such as foxes and cuckoo birds. But they still reward children with candy and prizes.

Unlike Christmas, though, there seems to be no “switch” or “coal” component to this tradition to threaten your kids with when they are being horrible brats. Which, if they are like mine, is fairly often.

So I think there should be an additional mythical creature — something hideous — like a naked mole rat — that accompanies the Bunny to serve up really rotten eggs not only to bad kids but also adults for their dirty deeds or general a-holery.

I think we will call him Steve. Why? I don’t know. The Easter Naked Mole Rat just doesn’t have much of a ring to it.

And I already have a few names Steve should consider adding to his hit list this Easter in addition to my children. Steve, some should get stankier eggs than others.

Steve, do da stanky egg, do da stanky egg, do da stanky egg.

They are as follows …

Sen. Patty Murray (D-Washington)
As I saw the very first Airbus A321 passenger jet built in Mobile flying in the sky on Monday. It made me so proud and so hopeful. I got chills. This is going to be so transformative for our city. We are officially an aerospace town. As a crazy presidential candidate would say, this is HUGE!

And it’s kind of surreal to think that in the very near future when we are all flying commercially, the plane we are on may very well have been crafted right here by our friends and neighbors. Wow. What an amazing thought.

I never doubted our workforce, but I sure remember a nasty, hateful, arrogant, downright rude senator from Washington saying, “I have stood on the line in Everett, Washington, where we have thousands of workers who go to work every day to build these planes. I would challenge anybody to tell me that they’ve stood on a line in Alabama and seen anybody building anything.”
Grrrrrr. I wonder how she feels about that statement this week?

Steve, give ol’ nasty Patty a really rotten egg and tell her to suck it.

Mobile County Commissioners Connie Hudson and Merceria Ludgood
Ladies, like it or not, the law you are fighting over with District Attorney Ashley Rich, as detailed in this week’s cover story, is, well, the law. And I even agree it’s not a great law. We are looking into its origin. And trust me, I’m very familiar with some of the dumb laws on our state books, and how futile it is to try and change them. But it’s pretty darn clear. And now the Alabama Supreme Court has ruled on this very decisively.

I wish the state would take care of this funding too, but they’re not going to. I wish the state did a lot of things differently, but they don’t. I wish my parents would have stashed more cash in my college savings plan, but they didn’t, so I’ll be making student loan payments until my kids go to college. Such is life.  

And if they aren’t going to take care of this — at least right now — doesn’t it seem like adequately funding the folks who are prosecuting all the bad guys in our county should be a TOP priority? But yet, we are focused on building soccer complexes and other vanity projects.  

Shouldn’t we want to take care of our own when Montgomery fails to do so? Especially for something as important as making sure the criminals who harm our citizens in some way are being prosecuted by the best team possible.

I get trying to make changes so it is more fair, and maybe one day it will be, but until it is, why can’t y’all sit down at a table and work through this and come up with something both sides can live with? This never-ending fight just seems counterproductive to all of our needs.

Steve, they don’t really need super stanky eggs, but maybe one that smells of compromise and another that smells like all the taxpayer money that has been burned during this tinkle match.

Teachers who have sex with their students
A bill was approved this week by an Alabama state senate committee to require teachers to take a one-hour course each year on how not to have sex with their students. I’m sure that would be a very entertaining class. While I do applaud the effort, I really doubt a 60-minute class is going to do the trick. But it does seem like we can’t go a week in this state without hearing about another teacher engaging in this highly inappropriate behavior with a kid.

And it is gross. What is wrong with you people?

Here is my “training” for them:

If you are sitting in a classroom and you find yourself remotely attracted to someone who reeks of Clearasil and pizza, and you’re saying things to yourself like “well he’s really mature for his age” or “in 10 years our age difference wouldn’t really matter (or be a felony)” or “it worked out fine for Mary Kay and Vili (ewwwww!),” put down your red pen, step away from your desk and quit your job immediately before you ruin multiple lives.

Steve, put the super stank on these eggs.

Happy Easter! May no naked mole rats visit your home this weekend.