It’s official. We are living in Bizarro World. Everything is upside down. Dogs are biting fleas. Trees are falling off leaves. Our president may at any time cause an international incident with 140 words.
I know, I know. You probably think I am being hyperbolic, but I assure you I am not. I am deadly serious. And in order to prove my case, I offer you four very concrete pieces of evidence. …
1. One of the looniest athletes in the history of American sports is seemingly on a diplomatic mission this week to North Korea … again. And just as he arrived, an American student who was in prison serving a 15-year hard-labor term for stealing a propaganda poster was released. Coincidence? Apparently it is.
But the very bombastic and controversial former NBA player Dennis Rodman told press on Tuesday he was looking to do “something that’s pretty positive” in the rogue state.
Move over, Henry Kissinger.
Rodman has been on at least four other trips there, which he dubbed “basketball diplomacy,” and has met with the very chunky North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un, who enjoys long walks on the beach, starving his people, knock-knock jokes, the occasional family poisoning, playing with missiles and trying to kill us.
None of this behavior seems to horrify Dennis, though, as he has called the murderous leader “a very good guy.” He even sang “Happy Birthday” to him on one of his trips. (Wonder if it was Marilyn-style? Hap-py Birth-day, Mis-ter Dic-tator!)
Crazyville, I tell ya. Crazyville.
But the best part of Ambassador Rodman’s diplomatic trip this time is that it is being paid for by the cannabis currency company PotCoin. Seriously. You really can’t even make this stuff up.
But thankfully there was something that does give me hope that we can one day escape Bizarro World and return to the American way of life we all know and love.
You see, once PotCoin announced they were sponsoring a crazy basketball player and former reality TV star who was once a contestant on our current president’s former reality TV show (that part of the sentence is still Bizarro, keep reading for news from our old world), their currency value soared almost immediately, jumping more than 60 percent.
Of course it did. Of course it did. God bless the USA!
2. The U.S. Attorney General and our former senator from right here in sweet home Alabama, Jeff Sessions, who is regarded by many in the state as the consummate Boy Scout and the straightest of arrows, testified before Congress this week because he is under a red cloud of suspicion that he colluded with Russian spies while working for the Trump campaign.
I do not think Sessions is a Russian spy. All of this sounds more like the plot of some cheesy Cold War movie out of the ‘80s than reality. But again, we are living in Bizarro World. As such, maybe we could use some of these lame movies to learn how to deal with these pesky Russians who have been all up in our business.
I propose we take a look at the cinematic masterpiece I regard as the greatest Cold War movie of all time, “Rocky IV.”
Need a refresher? I got you covered.
This is the one where the evil Russian Ivan Drago kills Apollo Creed, while Apollo is wearing those iconic American flag boxing shorts. This aggression against the U.S. and Carl Weathers would not stand for Mr. Balboa. So he went back to Russia and he didn’t come with love. No, instead he brought a can of good ol’ fashioned American whoop ass and opened it up on Drago with a one-two punch.
Bam! I guess we showed them who’s boss! USA! USA! USA!
Since we can’t seem to control (or won’t) these election-meddling, rat-hat-wearing, Stoli-swilling spies, I think it is time to call upon a man who has a proven track record of crushing the Russians. That’s right, it’s time to send the Italian-American Stallion to the Mayflower Hotel to give Sergey Kislyak a taste of the same medicine he gave Drago. Problem solved. We win over Russia . . .again!
Go get ‘em, Rock!
3. Bill Cosby is awaiting a verdict on sexual assault charges.
Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable taught Rudy and us all what “zrbtt” spelled and what it was. I still “zrbtt” my own kids to this day. When Theo wanted a “Gordon Gartrell” shirt, he said, “No 14-year-old boy should have a $95 shirt, unless he is on stage, with his four brothers.” A lesson many parents could still stand to hear when their precious little angels are begging for designer purses and sunglasses. He gave birth to a giant sub sandwich and he officiated the “funeral service” for Rudy’s goldfish. The Huxtables were the family we all wished we were a part of and he was the dad we wished we had. I watched it every Thursday night and every afternoon after school at 4 p.m.
And the whole time he was acting as “America’s Dad,” he was allegedly drugging and sexually assaulting women. More than 40 have accused him of such.
I know sometimes we all like to see a star who has gotten a little too big for their britches fall from grace. But this one is truly disappointing. In the world I want to live in this just can’t be happening. But in the real world, if these allegations are proven to be true, I hope his victims get the justice they deserve and find peace. Just sickening.
4. Man rompers are a real thing.
This may be more of a sign of the apocalypse than Bizarro World. But it probably works for both.
I rest my case.