Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’re too old, fat and lazy to truly enjoy a beach-themed music festival, but you’ll go anyway because of free tickets from work. You’ll pay a price for all that free fun with a hangover, a sunburn and your worst case of beer-induced IBS to date.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll realize you’re out of touch with today’s music when you attend a Vampire Weekend show at this year’s Hangout Festival thinking it’s another installment of the Twilight series. You’ll be utterly confused.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll propose extending Gulf Shores’ beach alcohol ban through Hangout weekend because you’re against anyone having fun at any time. You’ll lighten up when someone breaks out the whippets, though.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll resent the fact that Foley, the home of throwed rolls and football legends, is overlooked almost every summer due to Hangout Fest. To change that, you’ll plan your own musical festival in the Walmart parking lot. After several bands back out, you’ll bring a kazoo and a snare drum to party down.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You, an Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros fan, will disdain everything about music festivals. Despite this, you’ll attend Hangout in hopes of finding a new musical love. You won’t and you should stop trying.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Knowing that traffic will be backed up for miles on Highway 59, you’ll decide to ride your horse to Hangout Fest. Everything will be great until you get to the venue and realize horses have never been allowed on Gulf Shores beaches. Thinking on your feet, you’ll paint the pet like a zebra and make a few bucks on the side.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — While downing a few at the legendary Pink Pony Pub, you’ll end up throwing fists with Cardi B after accidentally bumping into her. But all’s well that ends well. You’ll get a jagged scar across your forehead as a conversation piece and quality time with David J. Maloney.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Without decent cell service, you’ll get separated from your friends and be subjected to the mercy of roving gang of 17-year-old girls. After being ruthlessly teased for the better part of a half hour, you’ll realize you miss Bayfest more than you thought.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After commandeering a shuttle from staff at the Hangout Music Festival, you’ll make friends faster than you ever thought possible. Unfortunately, you’ll crash the cart into the Boom Boom Tent and be left utterly alone.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Realizing too late that high temperatures and a dozen corn dogs don’t mix well, you’ll become violently ill during one of The Lumineers’ final songs. Politely, one of the hat-wearing crooners will ask if you could possibly wretch at a lower volume or at least in the right key.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Despondent and not nearly drunk enough to be there, you’ll sit through several acts at the Hangout Music Festival you’ve only heard actual young people mention in passing. Fortunately on the way out an old burned out hippie will jam “American Pie” for 25 minutes on a crappy guitar and lift your spirits.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be one of the unfortunate festival goers who spends their Hangout weekend at the Orange Beach city jail. You’ll need to mind your Ps and Qs, especially though, as not to anger your cellmate, Mayor Tony Kennon. Don’t mention his family. Seriously.
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