Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll pretend to be a 12-year-old so you can spend your summer at Space Camp. One night during an engine test, you and four teenage campers will be accidentally shot into space. Hilarity will ensue. Then it’s time for re-entry. You’ll bring back knee-high socks with shorts.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Over the course of 90 minutes, you’ll descend into madness due to a lack of snacks in the household. Your Snapchat stories will get increasingly desperate until you finally discover the frozen corn dogs under the mystery meat in the freezer. You’ll bring back double-popped collars.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll start an epic traffic jam after mistaking the time the Bankhead Tunnel is open for cyclists and pedestrians. Drivers won’t soon forgive your lack of speed and proficiency on rollerblades, or your simultaneous attempt to bring back denim on denim.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll resume your occasional quest to understand the international rules and strategy of cricket. Using baseball bats, croquet pegs, hockey masks and tennis balls, you’ll establish Alabama’s first league. You’ll name your team Saban’s Satans. You’ll bring back bangs.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — In an effort to rid yourself of extra “stuff” and “things,” you’ll host a yard sale. Despite your expectations, no one will be interested in your mismatched and wobbly table lamps, but a bidding war will erupt over your “Spice World” DVD. You never stopped trying to bring back cargo shorts.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll bomb at trivia night after failing to recall James Buchanan’s signature attempt at legislation in 1861. You’ll be surprised to learn the Corwin Amendment was never adopted or withdrawn, but is still supported by states’ rights activists to this day. You’ll bring back fedoras.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Eager to cash in on the local craft beer boom, you’ll begin brewing artisanal mead. But you’ll be bankrupted by PETA, which determines your honeybees are undercompensated on your inhumane factory farm. You’ll bring back powdered wigs.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll be the belle of the ball after you purchase a vintage Selena T-shirt at a discount clothier. Suddenly, you’ll be both fluent in Spanish and savage at sass. You’ll bring back frosted tipped hair.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll join the EVP volleyball tournament at Dauphin Island to challenge the professionals to a match. You’ll only manage to score a single lucky point, then be forced to ride home with about a half-cup of sand in your cracks. You’ll bring back patchwork.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In an effort to cure the late-night munchies, you’ll stop by Taco Bell to try out their new Naked Chicken Chips. Later, you’ll be arrested for indecent exposure after pulling off your clothes and running around screaming, “Why didn’t I think of this?!?!” You’ll bring back velour tracksuits.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Encouraged by the enthusiasm surrounding your nomination, you’ll begin writing your Nappie Award acceptance speech. But when Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty prepare to announce the winner, you’ll go ahead and concede to the runner-up. You’ll bring back leg warmers.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — To ease future droughts in western states, you’ll propose a water pipeline from flood-prone South Alabama. The project will spark violent protests from the petroleum industry over concerns it will leak into its oil reserves. You’ll bring back JNCOs.