Libra (9/23-10/22) — Inspired by Gulf Shores’ split from the Baldwin County School System, you’ll announce your independence from a homeowners association. Like a rebel, you’ll build a pergola in the backyard without consent. Your lucky shrimp dish is shrimp kabobs.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Claiming you were pinned in by debris and flooding from Hurricane Nate, you’ll return to work after a nine-day absence. In reality you were just watching Ken Burns’ Vietnam documentary and lost track of time. Your lucky shrimp dish is shrimp creole.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Misunderstanding the legal settlement conserving “natural” areas of Gulf State Park, you’ll find yourself under arrest for indecent exposure after sunbathing in the buff. Your lucky shrimp dish is shrimp gumbo.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — In an effort to gain acquittal for a traffic offense, you’ll attempt to gum up Mobile County’s overburdened court system by committing a string of other minor crimes. But under habitual offender statutes, you’ll be sentenced to life for littering. Your lucky shrimp dish is pineapple shrimp.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In honor of Polo at the Point and the MLB playoffs, you’ll mount a mini horse for a trip around the bases. Unfortunately, “mounting a mini horse for a trip around the bases” is a felony under the Alabama Criminal Code. Your lucky shrimp dish is lemon shrimp.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll temporarily join a convent after attending the Little Sisters of the Poor Lawn Party, but be outcast for repeatedly violating your vow of silence every time you call bullsh*t on President Trump’s tweets. Your lucky shrimp dish is coconut shrimp.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — You’ll consult Henry Louis Gates to determine Senate candidates Roy Moore and Doug Jones are distant relatives and their common ancestor was a slave owner by the name of Probably Every White Guy. He died in the historic ghost town of Nothing’s Surprising Anymore, Alabama. Your lucky shrimp dish is pepper shrimp.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — To fight for the preservation of Mobile’s last undeveloped waterfront property, you’ll chain yourself to a tree near Brookley Field. Construction crews will discover your skeleton years from now, still bound but still pretty stupid looking. Your lucky shrimp dish is shrimp soup.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — An embarrassing accident at a haunted house will have you diverted to the restroom and Googling “incontinence.” You were also invited to a haunted hayride, but suddenly your attendance Depends. Your lucky shrimp dish is shrimp stew.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll discover an endearing sign-language gesture you invented with your mother actually translates to “look, it’s a watta-spout!” You’ll unlock the “weary traveler” achievement badge at work this week. Your lucky shrimp dish is shrimp salad.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll turn a slight fuchsia color after binge-eating royal reds during the National Shrimp Festival. During the Hangout Oyster Cookoff next month, your skin will appear a little clammy. Your lucky shrimp dish is shrimp and potatoes.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — The newest challenge in your test kitchen this week is finding a recipe for the island apple snail, an invasive species. You’ll settle for simply sautéed in a little butter and pinot gris — a little dish you’ll refer to as “rhino snot.” Your lucky shrimp dish is a shrimp burger.
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