Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — Sure you love your mother, but the amount of pressure Mother’s Day puts on the relationship annually can be quite a burden. She usually smiles sweetly as she receives the material crap you choose to gift her, but all she really wants is to spend a little more time with you. She doesn’t really know how to use an iPad anyway, so give her the FaceTime she really wants this year and pencil in more MomTime on the calendar.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — The skateboarding community rejoices after the city opens a much anticipated skate park in a convenient location. Unfortunately, pedestrian facilities weren’t addressed, so it’s just a matter of time before one or more of the youthful enthusiasts are hit by a passing vehicle. In a response to the tragedy, you encourage local governments to advocate for more pedestrian- and bike-friendly infrastructure.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — A new initiative by the police department informing the general public on how to prevent being shot by an officer prompts you to create a counter-campaign for the law enforcement community. While everyone with a badge and a gun will generally reject your new guidebook, “Avoiding power trips and needlessly escalating harmless situations,” it will be well-received by the business community, who will propel it to the top of Amazon’s self-help chart.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — When your new employer picks you to throw out the first pitch at the local minor league team’s upcoming home game, you decide to check out YouTube videos of the worst first pitches ever. After watching 50 Cent’s horrendous throw at a 2014 Mets game, you decide that you can’t possibly be that bad. When the time comes, you put on your old Yanks jersey and head to the park. You arrive, only to discover you’ve been benched in favor of an Australian sheepdog who launches one right down the middle, does a flip and catches a frisbee mid air.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — Your new job as a PR flack isn’t going so well. On your first day you are sent to manage a press conference at a run-down motel behind a Waffle House in Smalltown, Alabama. There are more folks covering the press conference than staying at the motel, which is big and green and smells like the kitchen at a fried chicken place. When you get back to the office, you decide it’s time for a new career as gas station attendant. You’ll get paid more, and employees get hot dogs for half price during lunch hour.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — When your former best friend signs a free agent contract after the NFL draft, you decide you might give a professional football career a try. You played nose tackle for your middle school team and still have your helmet and mouth-guard from back in the day. When you show up for mini camp in New Orleans, you will be greeted not by Sean Peyton’s welcoming arms, but by a security guard with a billy club. It seems that, contrary to Hollywood football films, you really can’t just walk off the streets and onto the field.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — Upon hearing the news that Ryan Adams covered a song by some Canadian singer with a similar name, you’ll wonder if such a feat could be duplicated by other celebrities. You’ll begin to daydream about New Girl’s Jake Johnson belting out “Bubbly Toes” or Warren Buffett “wasting away again in ‘Margaritaville.’” You’ll snap out of the trance once you imagine Katy Perry singing “Don’t Stop Believin.” Luckily for your ears, those are but pipe dreams.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — After an increasing number of arrests, the starting lineup for the Crimson Tide will be so depleted that you’ll receive a call from Nick Saban himself asking to cash in some of the eligible years you never used in Tuscaloosa. Though your stance is weak, a widely ridiculed strength and conditioning coach will get you up to snuff in no time. Within a month, you’ll be moving and tackling with the efficiency of the player’s legal counsel — who at the time will still be trying to have eight pending DUIs thrown out ahead of the Iron Bowl.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — A few days adapting to your new Ambien prescription will result in an uncomfortable and cold night’s sleep on the kitchen floor. As you put the pieces together the next morning, you’ll determine the only logical explanation for your whereabouts was a failed attempt at unconsciously eating an entire cheesecake in the middle of the floor. Hopefully that’s the only way to explain waking up with your face in a vegetable crisper and your hands covered in sticky bits of graham cracker.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — After picking a winning superfecta at the Kentucky Derby, you’ll buy Government Plaza from the county only for unlimited rides in the elevators. You’ll make the lifts your new home and make each car a different room. Except for annoying the Comcast guy and the U.S. Postal Service, everything will go very well. You’ll contemplate never leaving the confines of your new nest, until the bathroom car starts to stink, you know, because floor excrement never smells pleasant.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — After hearing about an event in Texas encouraging blasphemous depictions of the prophet Muhammad, you’ll decide to host a culturally insensitive event right here in Mobile. The “Racial Slur 5K,” held exclusively for affluent, white, hetreosexual Christians, will begin when you shout derogatory remarks in Crichton before embarking on a frantic 5K dash to the safety of the Mobile Police Department. There, authorities will protect runners (and their freedom of speech) from any retribution righteously reserved for those who intentionally do and say offensive things for their own entertainment.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — A family bowling trip will turn depressing after you’re soundly beaten by your 8-year-old cousin. After the highly anticipated match is over, you’ll complain of a sore rotator cuff and blame the loss on the fact that your mom wouldn’t let you take Advil before the balls began to roll. You’ll eventually let it go, even though the victor is quite literally a big baby, who abuses his innocent stuffed animal friends because he’s a terrible human being. You need to learn to be a better loser.
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