Cancer attempts to get tail from the crypt

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Maybe it’s the weather and your multiple layers of clothing, but you’ve experienced an unusually high number of shocks from static electricity lately — some quite powerful. Using it to your advantage, you begin to don long underwear even on warmer days. Shuffling across the rug in wool socks, you’ve learned to build a charge that can dimly light a bulb. Your dog no longer seeks your soothing strokes. Beware of the gas station.  

Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Jilted that the Academy Awards did not recognize how much time you waste producing inconsequential, six second, looping Vines, you install an app that records three-second loops. Blogging that the new medium was challenging at first, you explain how your newest production uses a short series of images to create a poignant tribute to humanity. David Lynch shows up on your doorstep with a mysterious little person who, without saying a word, knocks you out cold and smashes your phone.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — After your harrowing experience in the park you’ll sign up — with the coaxing of family members — for cookie rehab. The six-week program will attempt to rid your body of the sugar cravings. While there you’ll eat nothing but modest salads with light dressings and carrot juice. The rehab will also include seminars based on the Bible that will teach you about the evils of the little chocolate-chip devils. You’ll be changed.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — Still encamped in the video game world, you’ll start doing weird things in public. For instance, you’ll soon “make it rain” at the dry cleaner, thinking it’s your favorite pixelated strip club. You’ll go out of your way to avoid police officers, fearing they’ll turn you in for some animated crime and you’ll also avoid talking to your family. When you jump behind the counter of a Smoothie King to make a snack, it’ll finally bring about some real-life consequences.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — Your first Match.com connection won’t be a hot date, but will be a producer for the show “Ghost Hunters.” The email conversation goes well, as the two of you set up a time to meet and record an episode of the show called “Ghost Friend.” The episode will be all about your relationship will Richard Stain, the ghost who helped you end it with that nosh bandit from before. You will become overjoyed, as this is your one chance to get back into acting.

Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — Depressed you missed Food Truck Friday this month, you’ll be delighted to see a popular food truck on Dauphin Street while you’re out indulging in foolishness and debauchery this weekend. You’ll order one of each item on the menu, which you’ll fail to realize is totally garbage until it’s too late. You’ve waited in line too long to abandon ship now. In a very drunk, hungry state, you’ll consume food that might be better suited for rodents. This month, your lucky charm is a barf bag, and your lucky numbers are 9-1-1.  

Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — After watching a television news station prove that water does, in fact, freeze in cold temperatures (and pass for “hard” news), you’ll decide to conduct an experiment of your own. To fuel the ongoing feud between your fake Facebook persona and several local news outlets, you’ll place two red solo cups full of ice cubes out in the sunlight to document the rare phenomenon of ice melting in hot weather. No one will seem as impressed with your trick, so you’ll grow your eyebrows out and become a “content curator” for a clickbait media group.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — A seemingly homeless man will stumble into your office this week. You’ll curse your bad timing when the stranger enters the building just as you’re leaving the bathroom. You won’t be able to avoid him as he invites you to a meeting where he denounces all the injustices in the world. He doesn’t tell you what they are exactly, but you’ll assume it’s probably something about Obama or “the gays.” Fearful he may bomb your place of employment, you’ll send a lowly intern to greet him the next time around.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — Being two days from payday and claiming just under $25 of expendable funds, you’ll gladly accept when a coworker offers a free lunch. However, after having to sit through most of Taylor Swift’s “1989,” and repeatedly hearing about how, “Mobile hasn’t been the same since Alabama Music Box closed,” you’ll think you should have taken the opportunity to go for a more expensive sandwich. Eventually, not even the force of car’s “heater hole” will keep your sandwich warm during the expansive conversation.

Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — With vehicle recalls becoming more frequent, you’ll finally decide to start walking for your own safety. Not only is it good for your heart, but you’ll quickly discover the peaceful serenity of downtown Mobile has a calming effect both before and after work. However, it won’t be long before you’re struck by a vehicle and transported to a local hospital. En route to said hospital, your General Motors ambulance runs off the road due to a faulty (insert random car part here), resulting in more extensive injuries and a burning sense of irony.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — After seeing the #askhermore hash tag sensation take off in the wake of the 2014 Academy Awards, you’ll decide to start asking people in other professions to answer questions outside of their respective field of expertise. Right out of the gate, you’ll try asking your waiter his plans to handle the sensitive duality of the crisis in Syria, because asking him only about fresh ground pepper would oversimplify his profession and demean him as a person. Oddly enough, the chap lays out a fairly impressive strategy that involves a sit down with Iran to address the problem at its source.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Feeling left out of the debate about whether Brian Williams or Bill O’Reilly is the bigger liar, you begin to publicize your fake role in the Iran-Contra scandal. Many will remember how the Reagan White House facilitated the sale of arms to Iran in exchange for the release of hostages, but few are familiar with the plot that you, as one of those hostages, concocted before the scheme unfolded. Luckily for world peace, you were unable to seduce the Ayatollah Khomeini while his countrymen staged a coup. Oliver North is also your pen pal.