Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – Your body will begin to revolt after a week of eating nothing but leftover Halloween candy. Dots, Reese’s and Butterfingers are good, but not when they’re part of the three squares a day. You always overbuy at Halloween and you will be paying for it. Your knees will be sore, your head will begin to hurt, your feet will swell, your urine will turn blue for some reason and the mistake will even cause some sluggishness during night night, sugar times with your significant other.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – An emergency room visit is in your future. Don’t worry, it won’t be anything serious, but it will be expensive, as most visits are. Your affinity for wine and Crimson Tide football will result in an accident. While cheering on the team and chugging Pino Grigio two weeks from Saturday, you’ll break your foot while jumping up and down in excitement. Your ignore the pain and continue yelling at the television screen until the appendage becomes a giant purple mass. You will have to hobble to the car and drive yourself to the hospital.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – The manchild that works in the office beside you will be flabbergasted when you come in one morning sporting a tie. He has one tie to his name and it has ‘gators and Tabasco sauce on it. A few more coworkers will ask where “Mr. Fancypants” is going and you will become enraged. You will post up at the coffeemaker and block anyone not wearing a tie from having a morning cup of joe. The episode will result in a phone call from HR. You will never wear a tie to work again.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – Distraught that your favorite show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” has been taken off the air, you’ll start to follow other portly children around town to see if their life is anywhere near as interesting as the overweight, redneck Georgia family you fell in love with. After a couple of days on the trail of what is sure to be the nation’s next reality starlet, the police are finally notified. Eventually you’re barred from following any children around, be they voluminous or otherwise.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Tired of having to interact with people, you’ll take a job as Mobile County’s Personnel Director. In your new position you won’t be bothered by incoming or outgoing calls and you won’t be required to return the calls or emails you actually receive. The vast majority of your days will be spent in a deep, soundless cave within the bowels of the ‘70s-esque personnel building on Government Street. However, you will eventually get lonely and surface for a meal at the neighboring Waffle House.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – Thinking you’ve identified a shortcut, you whip your Jeep out of traffic and through a garage at an abandoned car wash. There in the darkness a surprise awaits, as your off-road capable vehicle is disabled by a gaping hole left by metal thieves who removed a drainage grate. Your shortcut becomes an extended delay as you wait for a tow truck extrication and expensive repairs, but the good news is there is plenty of room on Mobile’s public transportation system.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – After realizing at the last minute that Alabama isn’t playing this weekend, you’ll find yourself at Buffalo Wild Wings decked from head to toe in Tide memorabilia for no apparent reason. Rather than admit that such a “die-hard” fan was mistake about the schedule, you’ll just lie and say you’re still wearing your garb from Thursday’s soccer match against Kentucky. After getting some looks, you’ll throw down a plate of cheesey peppers and exclaim that “the Tide never stops rollin, ever!” before leaving the restaurant.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – Encouraged by the news of an elected official’s kin being hired to a cushy job in the mayor’s office, you research your family tree to discover which relative has the most clout. Turns out your middle class roots are pretty depressing, but you do have a third cousin who has an administrative position at the Vatican. Despite your mother-in-law constantly telling you what a bad Catholic you are, you decide to take confession and send your résumé. Weeks later, you receive a portrait of the Pope and a complimentary rosary.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – Learning about how much money is in play for oil spill damages, you submit a proposal to mitigate environmental degradation by planting trees. What you don’t disclose is that the trees are actually marijuana plants and your idea of mitigation is to encourage the oil industry to just take it easy, man. Ironically, your investment is lost years later, after a batch of your patented hash oil accidently spoils the Gulf of Mexico, leading to years in court and millions in Clean Water Act fines.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – After some debate, you’ll dress up for Halloween as Twisty the clown from the popular television show American Horror Story: Freak Show. Thanks to YouTube, your face paint will be surprisingly on point, and you’ll look like an exact replica of Twisty. This will cause you to be extremely happy and proud of yourself until your so-called friends drop you off at the local fair as a prank. You’ll be snatched up and initiated into a secret carny society faster than you can say Trick or Treat.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – Another roof leak at Government Plaza will ruin your favorite weekly elevator rides. To get in your elevator fix, you’ll pay a visit to the RSA tower, where you’ll quickly discover your fear of heights and intense claustrophobia. Due to a fire somewhere in the building, the elevator will be brought to an abrupt halt just as you are making a descent from the 24th floor. Worst of all, you’ll be trapped for hours with a Kansas City Royals fan. You’ll take the stairs from now on.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – You’ll bet a large sum of money on an upcoming football game. While your team is favored to win, something will go terribly wrong, and like a scene straight out of the movie Final Destination, a freak accident will injure five key players. The incident won’t be nearly as gory and everyone will survive, but you’ll quickly start panicking about your own survival, being as you won’t be able to pony up enough money you lost in the bet. Lucky for you, the bookie is an Alabama fan and he’ll agree that you can repay your debt in Nick Saban’s favorite Little Debbie cakes.