Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll move “ye booty” down to GulfQuest for the pirate exhibit to show everyone you’re not a “scallywag.” You’ll find it interesting “thar,” and leave feeling like a Buccaneer. You’ll tell everyone what a hARRRGHty time you had.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll back out of a real estate venture after discovering several hidden cameras scattered throughout the midtown home you’ve been eyeing. Even with the spacious yard and safe location, the discovery of a closed-circuit TV will make you scared of whatever the inspector might find in the crawlspace.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After North Korea’s latest missile test, you’ll start looking into affordable options for bulk food rations. While staples like ramen and canned meat will obviously make the list, you’ll be thrilled to learn about the Dew Drop Inn’s plan to release a powdered chilli dog survival MRE.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Though the unpredictable standstills of downtown Mobile are enough to give any GPS system trouble, pop-up parades and rougue pedestrians of Mardi Gras will prove too much for your Uber driver. After several reroutes, you’ll wind up celebrating Carnival in a stranger’s mid-sized sedan.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Your plan to ambush a full-speed MAMGA float will seem short sighted at first but ultimately pays off. After dodging a crossfire of candies and living through an attack from a makeshift bead garrote, you’ll make a quick escape down Conti with a entire box of banana MoonPies.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll go native at the Order of Inca parade Friday night and begin constructing a sacred pyramid downtown. Coincidentally it’ll align with the Winter Solstice, but really you were just angling for a good view of Moe’s.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — In two years, you’ll help the city design and open a new welcome center downtown. Looking farther into the future, the dome-shaped building will be equipped with a parking lot for flying cars. Much like GulfQuest and its high-speed ferry dock, it’s ahead of its time.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In an effort to deal with school overcrowding in Baldwin County, you’ll come to the school board with the idea of floating classrooms. Unfortunately, your plan will sink when all the houseboats immediately spring leaks — because every houseboat ever made is old.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — In an effort to make free crawfish boils legal again in downtown, you’ll come up with a plan that turns Dauphin Street into a river of boiling water. Cooks in the local bars can then just add the potatoes, spices and mudbugs for a truly delicious event.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You and your friends will welcome the USS Mason to Mobile with a stirring rendition of “In The Navy” dockside at Cooper Riverside Park. Everyone will be so inspired by the performance they’ll either enlist or turn gay.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll drink out of a beer bottle that has a cigarette butt in it. You’ve been here before. Sadly, you’ll be here again. That gag reflex is perfectly natural. Go ahead and play it off and get yourself another cold one.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll go to a Fairhope City Council meeting just to start a beef. During a recent visit you found the shops and restaurants too full, which made it hard to browse and not buy anything. Also, that damned pelican on the pier was rude to you.