Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — With the public spotlight on roosters, it’s time to reunite your poultry-themed hip-hop group, the Two-Wing Clan, after a 15-year hiatus. Coincidentally, you’ll release a greatest hits compilation featuring fan favorites like “Hensane in the Membrane,” “99 Problems but a Biddy Ain’t One” and “Protect Ya’ Beak.” A war for Mobile’s pecking order ignites when rival group The Bantam Boyz announce their own comeback. Your lucky stocking stuffer is chattering teeth.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll be asked to quietly resign after making a fool of yourself at an office Christmas party. You weren’t the only person over-served, but you’ll be reminded by HR that everyone else “managed to keep their pants on.” Apparently, your version of “Dirty Santa” is not the same as your colleagues’, and shouting “I don’t get paid enough to wear [expletive] pants” at your boss was particularly ill-advised. Your lucky stocking stuffer is assorted flavors of 50-ml Ciroc.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Gearing up for your next gig, you’ll brush up on a few Grateful Dead tunes. Though not much of a fan, after a few minutes your toe will start tapping. Fast forward a week and you’ll find yourself in a broken-down van on the side of a Montana highway wearing dirty clothes and twine “jewelry.” Though you won’t remember the circumstances of your arrival, you also won’t care because the van’s battery will have just enough juice to keep pumping out those floppy jams. Your lucky stocking stuffer is generic perfume or cologne.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll swear off Facebook after engaging in a heated philosophical argument about the role of government in social issues with the mother of your ex dog groomer. It’s the latest example of why you should seek another way to keep up with friends’ current events — perhaps one that involves fewer inaccurate political memes and less support for ultra-conservative presidental candidates. But after only a week on Twitter, you’ll decide misguided grandmas are more tolerable than “hashtag activists.” Your lucky stocking stuffer is bitterly dark chocolate.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Spoiler alert: You’ll be extremely disappointed with “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” Not because the plot is mediocre or the script is bad, but because Donald Trump turns out to be the hero of the film. Before the final credits flash, Trump will save the day by using his combover to shield attacks from the newest Sith Lord. In that scene, the real estate mogul will pull out the biggest and best lightsaber you’ve ever seen. It’ll be (h)uge. Your lucky stocking stuffer is a kazoo.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll become the Internet’s most hated person after purchasing the only copy of a Barenaked Ladies’ reunion album. The resulting subject of a searing Reddit roast, its exclusivity won’t provide much comfort. Weeks from now, after bragging about your wealth and entitlement online, you’ll get arrested in a fitting bit of karma. In a plea agreement, you promise to let Dan Aykroyd steal the new album from you, but calls for your extended incarceration grow after the songs are leaked to the public. Your lucky stocking stuffer is personal lubricant.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Through a loophole in the city code, you’ll gain a permit to keep a cow in downtown Mobile. You’ll love the idea of fresh milk and butter, but the constant mooing will grate on your neighbors’ nerves. After months of complaints and threats, the council enacts a new law banning all bovines. Defeated, you’ll invite the entire neighborhood to a barbecue. No one will ever discover exactly where the meat originated. Your lucky stocking stuffer is a crumbled candy cane.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — In a bid to secure the livelihoods of thousands of local shipyard workers, you demand a meeting at the Pentagon with top military brass. While a customary background check prohibits your visitation, the Joint Chiefs of Staff will eventually agree to a five-minute Skype session at 7 a.m. on Super Bowl Sunday. In a bet for the ages, they agree to maintain the LCS contract if Cam Newton can take the Panthers all the way. You and the state of Alabama will never be more disappointed. Your lucky stocking stuffer is nosebleed concert tickets.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Always a procrastinator, you’ll complete your gift shopping on Christmas morning at the 24-hour Walgreens. Feeling a little guilty, you try to explain to the lucky recipients that their two-for-one beef jerky will prove valuable if the power goes out for a few days, and the eucalyptus oil in that giant bag of cough drops is increasingly rare due to urbanization in Southeast Asia. As a concession, you allow them to take a whiff of the 24-year-old rare Scotch they collectively bid on at auction to add to your extensive collection. Your lucky stocking stuffer is a bad mixtape.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — A routine conversation with a high school classmate in town for the holidays gets uncomfortable when you deduce they once dated your spouse. Although your marriage has been honest, there was that one relationship they never really wanted to talk about. But you’re particularly bothered by the smooth and nostalgic tone your classmate takes once the connection is made. Curious but wary of the full truth, the conversation continues until your classmate shows you a tattoo on their butt bearing your spouse’s name. Your lucky stocking stuffer is a $10 gift card.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll join the liberal War on Christmas when Santa Claus fails to deliver the thing you wanted most: the ghost-zapping Proton Pack from the 1980s “Ghostbusters” cartoon. Year after year you’ve waited patiently in line at Bel Air Mall to personally request it of the Jolly Old Elf, which you intend to use to confront some noises in your Grandma’s attic. Your anti-Santa campaign will eventually lead to a recurring gig on MSNBC. Your lucky stocking stuffer is something your mom accidently put there.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — An unemployed journalist with few friends in the industry, you’ll take a job as a horoscope writer for the local alternative weekly newspaper. The first months will be easy as humorous ideas flock to your brain like Canada geese to the Fairhope public beach. Unfortunately the geese get too comfortable and crap all over your creative flow like it’s a compost pile demonstration at the city’s Earth Day celebration. Eventually, you’ll be demoted to obituary writer. Your lucky stocking stuffer obviously came from the Home Shopping Network.