Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — With record low temperatures hitting the Gulf Coast and no money to pay utility bills, you’ll finally come out as the real-life Human Torch. While you’ve spent years hiding your life’s inspiration as the fictional Fantastic 4 character, you’ll decide it is better to pay the bills than stay in the closet. You’ll call the local alternative newspaper to give them the scoop, but your first attempt to “Flame on!” will accidentally burn down the paper’s small Baldwin County bureau.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After watching Alabama win its fourth national title in seven years, you’ll decide to liquidate your assets and bet all of them on the New England Patriots. You’ll figure, why not? It seems like a “dark side” kind of year anyway. You’ll dislike Tom Brady so much that even doubling your money on a Patriots win still won’t make you happy to see them victorious. You’ll commiserate with all your new rich friends in your swimming pool and feel OK about it after a while.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Hoping to give your rundown beach condo a facelift, you’ll run for governor and win handily. With nothing to stop you but public awareness, you’ll easily divert emergency funding from a future man-made disaster to help spruce up the place. The refinished deck will be be perfectly accented by a gubernatorial water slide descending to the Gulf. That same slide, however, will cause another man-made disaster on the Gulf Coast after the Lt. Governor has a few too many and slides before the water is on.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — A week after Alabama’s victory in the National Championship, you’ll move past your sullen and pouty emotions to remember deleting about 36 percent of your Facebook friends in the fallout of Tide’s big win. The older members of your immediate family aren’t computer literate, so it’ll be easy to blame the new friend request on being “hacked.” However, it may be tough explain to Aunt Carol why a hacker would have posted a picture of your bare bottom in response to her “Sweet 16!! #rtr” status.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After seeing shares of fake news stories and bad math next week, you’ll abandon social media for good. Without the tool, you’ll not know what your former college roommate’s food looks like and you’ll slowly forget what a meme is. Feeling liberated, you’ll decide to give up another tool of modern technology and dispose of your phone. You’ll start sending handwritten cards and letters inviting friends out for drinks. People will stop hanging out, though, because they find your use of calligraphy creepy.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You never thought you’d be that person, but two Tuesdays from now, you’ll bring your dusty old typewriter into the local Starbucks. You won’t do it for the attention, or to be ironic, but as a means to communicate. You see, two Mondays from now, North Korea will launch a cyberattack on the nation’s power grid, leaving the U.S. in a panic. Most people will flee and the Starbucks will be empty, except for a number of jittery fellows who can’t understand where their caffeine fix went.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Your coworkers will be astonished when, in three weeks, you name all the members of Matchbox Twenty. They’ll laugh, but you’ll drift away silently thinking of all the times Rob Thomas, Brian Yale, Paul Doucette, Kyle Cook and Adam Gaynor got you through a bad breakup, or some other sort of angst, during your teenage-into-adult years. You’ll then lament what Thomas did to his own career. You’ll snap out of it when a co-worker begins to sing along to Ryan Adams alone in his office.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll lose sleep after a marathon binge-watching of all 10 episodes of Netflix’s “Making a Murderer.” Disturbed by its conclusion, you decide to pick up where the filmmakers left off and strike up a pen pal relationship with the convicted. You’ll be struck by Steven Avery’s passionate responses about a life lost to injustice, but will have trouble engaging Brendan Dassey, who months later will return a simple reply written in crayon on toilet paper: “Yeauuuh, but wut does ‘sincerely’ meen?”
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Curious about America’s love affair with firearms, you’ll attend your first gun show. With leftover Christmas cash burning a hole in your pocket, you intend to purchase a small revolver for target practice and personal protection, but leave with an assault rifle, a shotgun and a semi-automatic pistol with an extended ammunition clip. Your new hobby eventually leads you to eastern Oregon, where you join an organized white militia fighting for private property rights.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Hoping to capitalize on the nation’s billion-dollar Powerball fever in a state where gambling is illegal, you’ll coordinate an under-the-radar bookmaking operation based on the dice game Yahtzee. In an effort to keep the eye of the law looking elsewhere, all bets will originate from Alabama retirement communities during social hours. Jackpots start small but are quickly bolstered by the frequency with which bettors tend to die before scheduled weekly drawings.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A breakfast at Biscuit King in Fairhope will send your life into a downward spiral of grease abuse. An investigative journalist known for your independent streak, “just the facts” mentality and bravery in the face of political corruption, you’ll be rendered useless upon the first taste of the King’s biscuits. You’ll try to return to your old standard Captain Crunch cereal breakfast, but nothing will quench your insatiable need for the delicious biscuits. You’ll live out your days fat and happy but will die penniless.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Inspired by the return of “X-Files” to television, you will start a paranormal investigations organization in Baldwin County. The group will first explore the supposed hauntings at the historic old library in Bay Minette, where people have reported hearing strange noises and experiencing creepy feelings. Shockingly, you’ll discover ghosts really do haunt the place, but not because they are stuck in posthumous limbo. Instead, the specters are delaying their final rest in anticipation of the latest “50 Shades of Grey” release.