Taurus (4/20-5/20) — On the way home from a weekend getaway to a cabin set deep in the woods, your trip will hit a snag when your phone’s GPS application is unable to connect to a wireless network for an extended period of time. After driving in circles for what seems like hours, you’ll finally decide to build a home near a small creek — foraging and trapping wild game to survive. For years, you’ll thrive off the land and will not be discovered again until the Mobile City Council eventually tries to annex the area in search of new revenue.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You will feel the grace leave your body after an incident at church next week. The priest will have to separate you after a fellow parishioner, eager for communion, pushes you in line. At first you’ll let it slide, but you’ll have trouble turning the other cheek when the individual shoves you again as you bow. You’ll whip around, make the sign of the cross and throw wine in the person’s face. You’ll have to teach them not to push in mass.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll want to avoid the rest of May after a series of events leave you feeling blue during the last month of spring. First, an ill-fated line dancing excursion will lead to a sprained ankle, or what folks in the business call a do-si-don’t. You’ll get sick from eating raw cookie dough, or what is commonly referred to as a cookie-don’t and you’ll be late for a tae kwon do lesson, or colloquially, a tae kwon don’t. Due to your pun-related disappointment, you’ll stay in the rest of the month.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll decide to buy the Ashland Place fire station after the Mobile Fire Rescue Department abandons it for a Crichton mega-station. You’ll turn the one-engine station into a German-themed bar called the Blitzkeg. After an incident with a local vendor, you’ll cause a scene when you “invade” a local Polish sausage factory. You’ll quickly take over the operations with your sights set on a beignet bakery next. Realizing you’re too aggressive, you’ll sell the bar and live out your days in South America.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — A trip to a child’s birthday party will revitalize your creative side, inspiring you to develop the world’s first swing set with an attached, child-size outhouse. The Sani-Swing, which comes with its own sanitary septic tank and toilet, will not only be a commercial success among millennial parents, but will also sell well in municipal markets, where cash-strapped cities begin charging parents a $5 fee to use the potty-equipped playground equipment to fill the gaps in strained public works budgets.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After repeatedly losing BayBears social media contests, you’ll become convinced the baseball team hates you. Thinking back to all the games you’ve attended over the years, you’ll remember the time you wore a Chicago Cubs hat the night the team played the Tennessee Smokies. You’ll recall the 50-cent hot dog night when you ate 30 hot dogs and nearly bankrupted the club. Just when you think there is no hope, you’ll win an autographed foam finger and the world will be right again.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — When your iPhone breaks after repeated drops on your office floor, you’ll spend a week disconnected. At first, your inability to check Facebook, emails and cat videos will be frustrating, but over time you’ll grow fond of being removed from the world. You’ll grow a beard, forgo showering and eat nothing but nuts and berries like the Neanderthal you were born to be. When a new phone arrives in the mail, you’ll become confused and try to set it on fire.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — As applications from potential summer interns begin to inundate your email inbox, you realize it’s really a buyer’s market out there. Taking advantage of desperation to bolster their resumes and gain valuable work experience, you devise a competition to choose the best of the best. Your inaugural “Summer Intern Death Match” will combine elements of “The Hunger Games” and “Lord of the Flies.” The victor will emerge cunning and strong, with a thirst for blood. One day, they will brew the best pot of coffee you’ve ever had.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll brush up on your Spanish-speaking skills in anticipation of Cinco de Mayo. As an adult, you’ve only acquired the ability to order a beer or find the restroom, but this year you’re aiming to nail down some foreign-language pick-up lines. Unfortunately, “Is that a chimichanga in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?” fails to translate when the target of your inquiry actually produces a fried, meat-stuffed tortilla from their pocket. In an attempt to remove yourself from the awkward situation, you’ll fade back into the crowd singing “De Colores.”
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Days into mourning the death of another pop culture icon, you decide to honor his legacy by changing your christened name to a symbol and attempting to seduce everyone you meet. Everything will go well for a while, as people seem charmed by your enigmatic personality and unique fashion sense. But the wheels will come of the charade when, in an effort to duplicate his musical prowess, you play guitar covers of Sisqo’s “Thong Song” followed by the Black Eyed Peas’ “My Humps.” Turns out, imitation is also the sincerest form of humiliation.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — While attending a local music and arts festival, you’ll be perplexed to see a mysterious red batter being poured into a deep fryer by a seemingly well-intentioned man. When you question his scarlet concoction, the gentleman will inform you of a culinary achievement you’d never dared to dream of: a Red Velvet funnel cake. In a sweaty panic, you’ll buy all of the cakes available and snatch the remaining batter before absconding to your tent in a haze of powdered sugar and shame.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — With all the confusion and political controversy surrounding bathrooms in the country, you’ll decide to start discreetly urinating under the table during any meal at local restaurants. The plan will serve you well until you’re inevitably arrested for indecent exposure and criminal mischief at Red Lobster. Out of options, you’ll decide to start follow the state’s new lavatory mandates — taking a photo ID, results of your recent physical, birth certificate and a fresh set of Glamour Shots with you anytime you leave the house. When you have to go, you have to go!