Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After hearing of George Zimmerman’s plan to auction off the gun he used to shoot and kill an unarmed teenager, Congress will pass a bipartisan law protecting anyone from charges that would have otherwise stemmed from an assault on the infamous racist Floridian. The new legislation will not only make it legal to punch Zimmerman above the torso, it will make it a federal crime not to physically strike him when he’s spotted anywhere within the coastal United States or its acknowledged territories.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — A rude and sarcastic cafeteria worker will get your attention during your next trip to your child’s school. The worker will open with the classic, “You’ve been held back a few times” gag before laughing and splattering cold mashed potatoes onto your tray. You won’t take the first slight too seriously until he’ll make you heat up your own Hot Pocket-brand lunchtime food pouch. You’ll complain to the principal because you paid $1.25 like everyone else. Bring a sack lunch next time.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — On a recent trip downtown, you’ll be audibly accosted by a bearded man, his guitar and the all-out bevy of Tom Petty hits in his music arsenal. He’ll blow through classics like “Free Fallin’,” “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” and “American Girl” before getting to the geezer’s terrible new stuff. You’ll try to tune it out as you throw duck nachos and beer down your gullet, but the sound leaves an aftertaste. On his next break, you’ll smash his six-string on Dauphin Street and continue with your meal.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — After months of being coerced by friends and family you’ll finally agree to go to anger management counseling. You’ll blame your outbursts on bad luck, but they’ll know you have a problem. They’ve all been secretly meeting behind your back and planning this for months. You’ll get steamed at the implication you’re an angry person, but will go to the appointment anyway. Upon arrival, you’ll get in an argument with the receptionist and punch another patient in the face. It’s time to admit you have a problem. This is a safe space.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Convinced there’s a nefarious underbelly of Mardi Gras societies in Mobile and Baldwin counties, you’ll create your own parading group called the Order of Parading Stooges (OOPS) to infiltrate the culture. You’ll apply for a parade permit along one of Mobile’s most popular routes, but the requirement to sacrifice a lamb for payment will surprise you. Complying will make you feel icky, but your suspicions will be confirmed when you’re invited to a float barn where nude revelers worship a bronze Sandy Bear statue.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — A critic of Baldwin politicians, you’ll become part of the solution and start your own blog. You won’t actually attend meetings or study the issues, but you’ll begin throwing around insults and innuendos alleging wild conspiracy theories. The mayor of your town is an android and your district’s county commissioner was born in a swamp in the Dagobah system. Legally you’ll be OK, but when you post a photo of a local attorney streaking at the outlet mall, he’ll sue your pants off.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll have a nervous breakdown after watching PBS Kids programming. The event will trigger you to plan a hunting trip to “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood,” where you’ll trap, torture and kill the show’s characters. Grandpere Tiger is first on the hit list because you hate beret-wearing anthropomorphic French tigers, followed by O the Owl because he’s a depressing orphan. After slaughtering everyone in the land of make believe, you’ll wake up in a padded room, singing “won’t you be my neighbor” with your cellmate.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Motivated by curiosity and circumstances you recognize as similar to your own, you’ll investigate the recent short-term disappearance of Sinead O’Connor. After ruling out the possibility she simply lost her way or track of time, you’ll find evidence O’Connor was temporarily abducted by Tall White aliens from the Orion constellation. Comparing artist renderings to her music video for “Nothing Compares 2 U,” you’ll eventually conclude she is a Tall White alien from the Orion constellation. U will never be heard from again.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll be the victim of an overzealous sweaty guy grinding at the Boom Boom Tent at Hangout Fest. Repulsed at first, your skin will slowly absorb his fluids and you’ll become infected by Dance Fever. You’ll move to the beat all weekend but it won’t stop there. You’ll make rave hands during an office meeting next week, pop and lock at a church service and twerk in the middle of the grocery store. The only cure is more cowbell.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll audibly sigh after yet another reader questions the legitimacy of the horoscopes in your local alt weekly newspaper. Explaining they are less “traditional” horoscopes and more of an exercise in creative writing, including ample inside jokes and biased social commentary, you’ll encourage them to try to write some of their own. Months later, they’ll submit 12 paragraphs of generic observations and predictions, including one envisioning your own demise. Take heed, that stuff is real.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll finally realize America’s conservatives were right about the havoc stemming from transgender-friendly restrooms at a mass retailer like Target. After only a month of the new and “inclusive” lavatory policy, your next trip to “Targét” will be marked by a gaggle of “freaks and weirdos” — some carrying Bibles into the restroom and others praying for deliverance near the sporting goods section. After the shopping excursion, you’ll be faced with the uncomfortable task of explaining these “alternative lifestyles” to your children.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll awake from a drunken all-nighter with a vague recollection of someone helping you during an hour-long struggle to enter your own apartment. Concerned, you’ll set out to thank your midnight guardian angel, and ultimately you’ll find the right person after knocking on five of your neighbors’ doors. I’m not going to save you any embarrassment by telling the correct neighbor’s name, because I’ve already written about you in all of their horoscopes. Plus, I wasn’t even supposed to come into work today. #sooverit