Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You, unable to agree with the most basic news of the day, will instead lock in on the world’s latest conspiracy theory. You know because a billionaire who made his billions in our current system has developed a mind-control device to help change the system that made him rich.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll be shocked when you find out the dog you’ve taken care of for seven years is actually a very elaborate cake with a marzipan filling. You hate marzipan because you’re normal, but the cake around the filling and the frosting will be delicious. You’ll have trust issues for a while.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll reconsider the wisdom of electing celebrities to public office after Kanye West’s next bizarre claim: Rosa Parks never actually refused to give up her seat on a Montgomery bus to a White passenger. So it makes little sense when you abandon your career in 2024 to work on the presidential campaign of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Hearing that Jeff Bezos’s net worth increased by $13 billion in a single day this week, you vow to never shop through Amazon again. Instead, you create an account at Alibaba, only because you don’t know the conversion rates for Chinese Yuan.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Inspired by The University of Alabama’s new football locker room, you convert your living room into a series of recliners tucked into individual cubby holes. Ironically, your significant other complains you’re no longer a “team player” because cuddling on the couch is impossible.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Realizing the deadline has expired to qualify to campaign for municipal elections, you resolve to simply bitch about local government on Facebook for the next four years. But finding your voice is constantly drowned out by thousands of other internet sourpusses, you create a new group: “What’s REALLY, REALLY, REALLY Happening in Fairhope, FOR REAL THOUGH.”
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll be disappointed in your public school student after they are caught selling black market hydroxychloroquine to other students and suspended. You decide the suspension is enough punishment after they explain the profit margins are greater than that of both Skittles and Rolos.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — A relative’s visit causes you to attempt to match his eating prowess. While this is fun, it means you’ll be visiting the Big & Bigger shop next week. A high school nickname you hated will resurface with a vengeance.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Your Florida beach vacation will be cut short when you mistake a man with abnormally large incisors floating in the ocean for a shark. Thinking you’re being attacked by the creature, you’ll do what every red-blooded fan of “MythBusters” would do and throw a punch. You’ll spend the rest of the weekend in jail.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — A trip to the new Alabama Gulf Coast Zoo goes awry when your phone gives you wrong directions and you wind up in some guy’s yard trying to convince your children a housecat is a panther. The upside is the guy makes great hot dogs and there’s no wait for the bathroom.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) —Your attempt to teach Constitutional law on the internet will make you the least popular Cameo participant. Not only does no one want to actually learn about the Constitution, as evidenced by many social media comments, but you’re not actually a lawyer and you can’t really spell that good.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After trying and repeatedly failing to make ham and cheese omelets, you’ll try to convince your brunch guests that you had intended to make “high-protein breakfast bowls” the entire time. You’ll have to pretend to be on a keto diet for weeks afterward to support the lie.
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