After months of planning, you’ll don a double-pocketed shirt, a set of cargo jeans and a winter jacket at the Joe Cain Day festivities. While some will think you misread the forecast, veteran Mobilians will understand why you’re dressed for the arctic. More pockets means more MoonPies. As the parade hits full stride, you’ll maintain a steady barrage of indiscriminate stuffing — your jacket, shirt, pants and part of your trousers filled to the brim by the circular confections.
As an Auburn fan, Super Bowl 50 will bring the redemption you’ve earned in enduring what was undeniably a painful college football season. Though you never pulled for the Panthers before 2011, that won’t matter when Carolina polishes off its dominating NFL season. If anyone from the state’s more successful college program seizes an opportunity to make a disparaging remark, you’ll be prepared, having already saved A.J. McCarron’s 2015 NFL statsheet as the screensaver on your phone. *dabs*
You’ll be banned from an alumni page after going on an unprecedented rant about the state of Greek life at your former college. You’ll tell yourself and others you were given the boot because “the powers that be are out to protect the status quo.” However, in your heart you’ll know it probably wasn’t appropriate to verbally accost someone whose only crime was pointing out her former sorority swept the year’s homecoming activities. “Yeah. It’s still not the point of the page, though,” you’ll say dejectedly.
Your obsession with TV shows from a decade ago will become a focal point of annoyance for everyone in your life. You’ll gladly share your warm feelings about the one episode literally everyone else has seen. They’ll try to add to the conversation, but instead of letting them talk freely about the show, you’ll run out of the room screaming “no spoilers!” The problem will get so bad everyone will stop speaking to you. You’ll finally be able to watch “Deadwood” in peace.
Disappointed in the quality of “The X-Files” relaunch, you’ll start a blog based on the dissatisfaction called “Good Shows Are Out There.” On the site, you’ll recap each episode in the six-week run, as well as comment on better programming you could be watching instead. You’ll beg readers to watch “Angie Tribeca” or anything on Netflix. You’ll also remark that the years have not been good to David Duchovny. Relieved by “The X-Files” conclusion, you’ll move on to other Fox programming. Your next blog will be titled “Brooklyn None-None.”
Failure to receive your W-2 will only confirm what you were already beginning to assume — you’re illegally unemployed. The ruse was elaborate, similar to the plot of “Now You See Me.” It will become clear to you that not only were the statements from “Bank of the River” false, but it’s not even a real bank. It’ll begin to make sense why your debit card was always declined and your money looked different. It would be a good idea to begin looking for a new job.
With all the new security protocols aimed at children and teenagers loitering at local theaters, you’re soon forced to come up with a variety of ways to prove your age on the spot. Though carrying around a cumbersome driver’s license is one way to show how old you are, a solid quote from “The Big Lebowski” can get the job done as well. In case security guards press the issue, it’s also never a bad idea to commit a verse from an obscure Crystal Gayle tune to memory.
While eating dinner at a local seafood restaurant, you’ll be shocked to find a group protesting the treatment of live lobsters housed therein. In your mind, the ethical treatment of food is a non-issue, but to the lobsters, it’s basic civil rights. You’ll laugh it off as you crack open the shell of your third, butter-soaked tail. However, that laughter will escape you once you wake up hours later, your hands bound by rubber bands, in a shallow tank.
Excited by Hillary Clinton’s razor-thin win in Iowa, you’ll volunteer to help her campaign in New Hampshire. At first, you’ll go door-to-door talking to wonderful New Hampshirites about the wonderful things Clinton will do for them if elected. Your enthusiasm will wane when you are assigned the less-attractive duty of listening to Clinton talk softly to you about classified documents while she brushes your hair. The only thing worse than being on “human doll” duty is being in control of the hard-drive wiping cloth.
You’ll be so excited to hear about dune restoration at the beach that you’ll dust off the Paul Atreides costume you wore to a science fiction costume party in 1993. Packing your bags for a trip to the revitalized Gulf State Park, you’ll be sure to grab your spice mining gear first. On the beach, you’ll battle giant sandworms, floppy Widespread Panic fans and imperialistic snowbirds. Local police will arrest you for repeatedly yelling, “The Worm is the Spice!” at passersby outside Cobalt.
The news that ‘90s rockers Third Eye Blind will play a show in Mobile in March will be music to your ears. You’ll wonder “how’s it gonna be” when you finally see your favorite band perform live. You’ll step back from the ledge you’ve been on since the band underwent a slew of lineup changes resulting in an entire year of lost sleep. You’ll sound like a broken record, singing “doo doo doo, doo doo-doo doo” at work for the next month.
You’ll die a little bit on the inside when, after weeks of walking at the Shoppes at Bel Air on your lunch break, you step on the office scale and it reads “230.8.” While you’ve gone to great lengths to lose weight as part of your New Year’s resolution, in the last month you’ve gained four pounds. The walks at the mall have been good for your health, but the mounds of Chinese food you consume after the routine appear to have packed on the pounds around your waist.