Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After a night out with friends two weeks from Saturday, your 30-something-year-old body will go into full revolt. You’ll get hot when it’s cold, cold when it’s hot and you’ll try to sleep all the next day in between cries from your family. In the end, you’ll vow never to drink again, but fail to live up to the pledge.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Miffed that you weren’t chosen, or even interviewed, to be a Mobile municipal court judge, you’ll protest by breaking one city law per day. You’ll litter in a parking lot, ride a Gotcha scooter on the sidewalk and leave trash out on the curb all week. You won’t face consequences until you drink a beer outside in an area not designated for such activity.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Now that 5G technology is being rolled out across the country, you begin to wear an aluminum foil hat to block all the potential indoctrination. When news comes out that the new towers could impact plane travel, you’ll believe all of the conspiracy theories you’ve ever heard.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Football is slowly winding down and you’re left with the same issues you have every year — what excuses will you have for not working on your house each weekend? February and early March are generally pretty rainy, so that gives you several weeks to come up with a reasonable excuse. Dr. Z would suggest charity work, but we both know better than that. Expect a mild case of COVID to get you through until you can start complaining about the heat.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Your hopes of seeking election as Precinct 30 Constable in Baldwin County are squashed as you are caught red-handed by your campaign opponent leaving your shopping cart out of the corral in the Fairhope Walmart parking lot. You will now seek out your next political venture: attempting to become the next Scoutmaster of your son’s Scout troop. Unfortunately, the Scouts aren’t too fond of shopping cart violators either.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You stop at the grocery store to buy a bottle of Champagne to celebrate the fact you have completed a series of measures toward good health. You have both of your COVID-19 vaccine shots and a booster, and you have also had shots for allergies, flu, shingles and pneumonia. The celebration takes a downward turn when, because of soreness, you are unable to raise the long-stemmed glass to your lips.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Unhappy with your current employment, you post a message on your Twitter page announcing you have entered the transfer portal. Unfortunately, there is no such thing outside of college athletics, and besides, you received no interest from other companies. You exit the transfer portal and go about your life.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — New to Mobile, you are excited to see an ad for the Senior Bowl, so you go online and buy a ticket. However, you slip into a deep depression Feb. 5 when the realization hits you have bought a ticket to an all-star football game and not a bowling competition for those 55 years old and older.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Still simmering about your impending divorce, you try to run over your soon-to-be-ex with a rolling garbage can. You miss. Instead, you hit the curb, the garbage spilling out all over the street just as a police cruiser passes by. You are fined $500 for littering and required to clean up the trash. Your ex places videos of the clean-up on social media. Love hurts.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Life can be disappointing. You decide to seek the office of secretary-treasurer of your neighborhood HOA committee. The day after you make your intentions known you discover someone has placed a “For Sale” in your front yard. Your campaign is off to a rocky start.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Disappointment sets in when you place your resume on one of those online job search services only to receive a return email that suggests you not only fail to reach the standards for the job you seek but perhaps it would be best if you retired. You’re 25.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — In an effort to never take down your artificial Christmas tree — you like the way it looks in your house and it’s still up — you switch to Mardi Gras decorations … then spring decorations, maybe a baseball theme, summer vacation at the beach, football season, Halloween, then Thanksgiving. And it’s Christmas again. Genius.
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