Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Hearing that the mayor is interested in installing a seasonal ice skating rink at Cooper Riverside Park, you pull the rollerblades out of your closet to brush up on your skills. While your family and friends are embarrassed and ashamed, you feel liberated as you butterfly jump, camel spin and lunge around town. Soon, a like-minded partner will emerge from the shadows and eventually the sport will become such a sensation in South Alabama the Mobile County Commission funds a permanent facility.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — With the certainty that a cruise ship will return to the Port City, you begin to plan your next vacation. But as you practice your Spanish and convert dollars to pesos, the contract details between Carnival and the city are revealed. Rather than international ports of call, the next ship will carry tourists to domestic stops such as Panama City Beach, Corpus Christi and even a Mississippi River cruise to Memphis. You take it in stride. After all, you’ve always wanted to see a pyramid.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — As family budget deliberations draw to a close and a vote is scheduled, you’ll slip in $4,000 for the Millennium Falcon bed advertised on Facebook. When your wife discovers the misappropriation of family funds, a heated confrontation ensues. Feeling sheepish, you’ll claim it was for your son. When the bed is delivered, you’ll tell your son it is “just for display” but you’ll sneak into the garage every day for a nap, cuddling a Han Solo body pillow.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — A Wall Street Journal report on potential academic fraud at Auburn University will cause you to reconsider the value of the education you received at its rival in Tuscaloosa. It took you four and a half years to graduate with a degree in “Telecommunication and Film.” Basically, you watched and wrote about movies in college, something you could have done at home in your pajamas for free. The student loan debt incurred for your stupid major are crippling, and your job at the movie theater isn’t helping.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Always one to stay on top of fashion trends, you’ll decide to let your beard grow like your hipster friends from college. After a month, you’ll look like Grizzly Adams, if Grizzly Adams was a stocky guy in a Target polo and pleated slacks. After Bobby from the office tells you he likes the look, you’ll take it to the next level, buying overalls and work boots from the local co-op and crafting a hat from a wicker basket you found in your daughter’s room.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — With only a single, ugly victory in the bag, you’ll turn up the college football smack talk at work. For obvious reasons, your co-worker, a graduate of a rival program, will not take too kindly to the cartoon genitals you draw all over his degree, but it will be you who has the final regret. As it turns out, flagrant disrespect is tolerated at the workplace but the meticulous, symmetric and beautiful drawings you created in celebration of Saturday’s victory are not. You’ll watch the next game from a cheap motel.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Armed with 10 minutes of planning and a pamphlet you created in Microsoft Paint, you’ll launch your new promotion company, “WE AIN’T NEVA GOIN TA BED LLC.” Because you don’t know the role or purpose of an LLC, you won’t bother filing paperwork with the state, and being completely unaware of the Internal Revenue Service’s existence, you won’t set up a mechanism to pay any taxes. Surprisingly, the city, state and federal government lets it slide out of respect for yo’ grind.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After reading a story about a man being convicted for taking a gun to the voting booth, you’ll realize America is beyond salvation. As someone who packs heat while swimming, using the bathroom, going to Baumhower’s and during regular visits to your cousin Tiffany’s, you’ll find the entire story morally appalling and foreshadowing of an imminent takeover by the federal government. Fed up, you’ll take a gun to the polls in 2016 and shoot the words “Jade Helm” into the walls of a local rec center.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After a long telephone conversation with your boss about the company’s budget, you’ll sign off by saying “I love you.” The faux pas will go unnoticed by you until your significant other gets interested in the conversation. Embarrassed, you’ll sneak into the office the next day hoping your boss won’t remember or care. However, you’ll immediately be promoted to “Vice President of Things.” The new title will more than make up for the awkwardness, but the Joe Biden-like neck rubs your boss begins to give you will be another issue altogether.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll feel a little like Hillary Clinton when your campaign for president of the Lions Club is derailed by an email scandal. Sure, you won’t be accused of sending classified messages through a Yahoo account, but when you claim the lunch order you took was messed up by restaurant employees rather than your own grammatical mistakes, your opponent will have the hard copies to prove you wrong. The shame of the scandal will send you into hiding and your political dynasty will come to an end.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You don’t have a musical background, so you’ll be excited to participate in your first recital as a full-grown adult. Unfortunately, you’ve learned to master the easiest song on the easiest instrument. The jeers will begin to rain down on you when you’re only halfway through “Hot Cross Buns” on the recorder. You won’t be able to finish the song because your sobs will blare through the mouthpiece. You’ll run to safety backstage and never perform again.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Now that your little overachiever is settling into kindergarten, it’s time to pile on the extracurricular activities. Why limit it to soccer practice when you know the kid will never be successful without piano lessons, taekwondo, conversational Latin, theological debate, fundamentals of carpentry, geopolitical forecasting and Southern etiquette? Ten years from now, you can take comfort in the fact that your little runaway is the most brilliant hobo on the BNSF line out west.
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