Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll be stuck in eye surgery two weeks from yesterday after an incident involving your goofy significant other. After hearing the same dad joke from your lover for the umpteenth time, you’ll roll your eyes so hard that you’ll lose a contact lens behind your eye. It’ll end fine, but you’ll prohibit dad jokes for the foreseeable future.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll become the most infamous bus driver in Mobile when in two years after the city has breathlessly debated the future of the Civic Center it’ll finally be time to tear it down. On the day the old relic is imploded, you’ll be driving your typical downtown route. Unbeknownst to you, as the arena comes down, your bus will block what would be the perfect live shot of the demolition, à la the Georgia Dome.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Inspired by “Today’s Homeowner,” you’ll host a cooking show from your house in Mobile. Unfortunately, you don’t really know how to cook all that well. Undeterred, you’ll slap together peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and macaroni and cheese for audiences all over the Gulf Coast. To your surprise, the show will be a huge hit because people now like to feel better than so-called experts.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll feel old when you find out that the internet is obsessed with an interaction between someone named JoJo Siwa and Candace Cameron Bure, of “Full House” fame. Instead of learning any more about the issue, you’ll simply curl up in a heated blanket and wait for death. It’s truly the easier outcome at this point.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — After a foreign government correctly called cats an invading alien species everything about their personalities will click into place for you. The avoidance of anything resembling touch, the standoffishness and the general lack of enthusiasm for anything begin to make sense. Turns out with the animal claws you, it’s just taking samples to return to a home planet of Niptune.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You are awakened from a nap one afternoon by a strong knocking at your door and upon answering it you find two police officers and a social services representative standing there. Once they have determined you are OK, they tell you they were contacted by neighbors who requested a wellness check. As they are walking away, you see the real reason for the call — it’s well past time to cut the grass.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You are petitioning the National Register of Historic Places to declare your home as a historical site, complete with a historical marker to be placed on your front yard. Your reasoning is simple: Bear Bryant once stepped on your front porch, knocked on the door and asked for directions to a recruit’s home and you talked him into sitting on the swing and having a glass of lemonade.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You tried gaining Internet popularity with a TikTok account, but no one noticed. You also tried building followers with accounts on Twitter and Facebook with little to no success. However, a video of you picking your nose while buying fruit at Walmart has received more than 1 million views. Congrats, you’re an Internet sensation.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You had a close call with local police recently when officers noticed you sitting in the parking lot of a strip mall on Hillcrest Road for more than three hours. The officers, noting your lengthy time in the car, approached your car and said they were concerned you may be watching a store for a possible break-in. They let you go when you explained you were merely waiting for the “hot donuts” sign to come on at Krispy Kreme so you could be among the first in line at the drive-thru.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You were disappointed to discover you did not win the $1.33 billion Mega Millions jackpot last weekend. You had so many plans for that money and how it would change your life and the lives of family and friends. Instead, you are encouraged by the thought you won’t be buying any lottery tickets, thus saving you some money each week, until the winnings once again reach a level you feel is worthy of your participation.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You are disappointed to read that the Mobile Civic Center will be renovated. You had hoped it would be imploded and replaced by a new facility and maybe a few shops and restaurants. In protest, you and a friend will handcuff yourselves to the Civic Center’s doors. You will not be discovered for 10 days.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Today your online order arrived: an Alabama Airborne jersey, T-shirt, cap and koozie. Congrats. Now instead of owning attire and such supporting your hometown team you have some collector’s items, along with those tickets to the first game.
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