Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll be horrified to learn your dear friend from high school has gained a monumental amount of weight just a few months ahead of your impending nuptials. Even more tragic, as is often the case, the increase in size will be paired with an increase in causal-fitting clothes. Luckily, the actual wedding day will be saved when the company that gave America the Snuggie unveils “The Tuxie” — a one-size-fits-all elastic tuxedo modeled after the car covers used at classic car shows.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Obsessed with the retro-themed video game “Fallout 4,” you’ll rekindle your love of music from the 1940s and ‘50s and dive into some Johnny Mercer, Betty Hutton and MIlls Brothers’ records. However, the extended barrage of pop culture from the Cold War era will give you ample time to dwell on just how sexist the ‘50s were. Men singing about getting “rough” with their gals is off-putting enough, but after hearing women nonchalantly sing about it, you’ll feel the need to apologize to your grandma.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Ever the loyal soul, you’ll soon take up spearheading the social media smear campaign against an old friend’s political opponent. Substituting mysterious and accusatory language for facts, you’ll set up the perfect platform for airing minor grievances against said candidate. Despite being unable to receive monetary compensation, spreading “the truth” in such a grassroots manner is sure to buy you favor when it comes time to make appointments to the plethora of influential municipal boards of which the general public has no knowledge.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll be surprised in two weeks when the lizard people living below Earth’s crust decide to rise up and take over the human territory. You’ll immediately remember the Dr. Who episode with a similar premise. With this knowledge, you’ll quickly be appointed to the president’s cabinet to try to smooth over the situation. You’ll immediately try to regain treaty negotiations, but the ceasefire will be stymied by your annoyance over the lizards’ eye-licking tendencies. You’ll save it, though, when you promise to throw in warming lights gratis.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll hone your skills and pare down your material to a solid five minutes before making your comedy debut during an open mic at The Blind Mule. The opportunity will represent your big break and you’ll immediately become famous for your humor. Unfortunately, your rise to fame will be stopped by allegations you stole the entire set from comedians you saw on television. After being a Gawker headline for two days, folks will forget about it. You’ll quickly retire after not being able to come up with new stuff.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — On an early morning stroll a couple of days from now, you’ll run into the bear from “The Revenant,” who is in town taking in the Mardi Gras sights and scouting a location for a new movie. He begins to tell you about his new screenplay. Your eyes will begin to glaze over in boredom when he tells you he’s upset he didn’t get an Oscar nod for his latest role. You’ll console your new friend as he poops in the woods and you’ll finally be sure the Pope is indeed Catholic.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Learning that enticing judges into “investment opportunities” doesn’t meet the definition of bribery, you turn to the courtroom to find funding for your conceptual tech startup. Walking an ethical line so thin they’d need a microscope to see it, the judges will initially hesitate to see the potential value in “ExeCUTE,” your user-friendly capital punishment iPhone app. But after legal contests continue to delay scheduled lethal injections nationwide, the justice industry will take note of your invention, which slowly kills users by subjecting them to days of quirky cat videos set to Japanese pop music.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Disgusted by the most recent episode of oak tree genocide performed by greedy developers, you search the Dark Web in an effort to organize a rogue eco-terrorism cell. Your loose-knit band of hippie hoodlums will spend the next couple of years carrying out minor civil disturbances such as planting seedlings in public green spaces and replacing chainsaw oil with salt water, before you are implicated by Mr. Orange, an FBI informant. Your story reaches a tragic conclusion after a tense standoff in which everybody holds each other at gunpoint.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll start the worst L.A. riots in a generation when, in an ignorant show of solidarity with minorities, you arrive at an Academy Awards protest wearing blackface. The resulting structure fires will be measured in square miles, not blocks, while reruns of recorded beatings dominate television news coverage for weeks. You’ll redeem yourself by accepting an invitation from Chris Rock to appear in the ceremony’s opening monologue and deliver a passionate plea for peace. But the auditorium will be in pandemonium after a Freudian slip during your teleprompter reading of the phrase, “bigger picture.”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — An Alabama fan with an intense hatred in your heart for both Peyton Manning and Cam Newton, you’ll decide to forgo watching this year’s Super Bowl to avoid suffering a massive anger-induced stroke. You’ll Google “what else is on TV during the Super Bowl” and be terribly disappointed in the offerings. Your friends will invite you over to watch the big game, but you won’t bow to their peer pressure. Instead, you’ll make your family suffer through four hours of the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — When your daughter gets a pet fish it recalls memories of your own pet fish, Swimmy, who fell to his death in the trash compactor during an unfortunate bowl-cleaning mishap in 1989. Shimmering green with a streak of violet on his spine, Swimmy was your first real friend when you were 7 and going through your “husky” jeans phase. Swimmy’s untimely death led you to JNCO jeans, hacky sacks and Kurt Cobain worship. Next time, you’ll buy your daughter a pet rock.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — In spite of repeated warnings from friends, you’ll style your hair into a man bun this weekend. A grown man free to style his hair any way he chooses, you’ll boldly go to your niece’s birthday party sporting the new ‘do, hoping to catch the eye of single moms at the soiree. You’ll regret the decision when the bun gets caught on a swinging Dora the Explorer pinata, which tosses you back and forth like a tissue caught in a sneeze.