Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — After a beloved office stress reliever goes on to the great cubicle in the sky, you’ll find yourself delivering a eulogy for a beach ball. “Debra was sister, a mother and a friend,” you’ll say about the plastic sack of air that kept so much from getting done for months. Later, behind the office, you and rest of the gang will scatter the remains of what used to be the highlight of a slow Friday, only to get a $250 fine from the City of Mobile.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — You’ll be surprised with how your dog’s behavior changes after being prescribed tramadol for a leg injury. At first it’s just lethargy, but over time she’ll perfect the art of feigning injury until she starts full on fiending. After the veterinarian turns her down for a fifth refill, you’ll start to notice electronics missing from around the house. You’ll confront her and out of love, ask her to move out. Eventually, you’ll see her working the streets near Moffett Road, broken and alone.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — A story about the history of concerts at the Mobile Civic Center reminds you of that ZZ Top show you almost forgot. You sort of blacked out after catching a contact high and slipping in some kid’s vomit, hitting your head on the concrete floor. Hypnotherapy will reveal what happened next, you were crowd-surfed unconscious to the stage, and awarded a complimentary beard.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Jealous at a neighbor’s over-the-top holiday light display, you engage in a little friendly sabotage. You slightly unscrew his lightbulbs. You pin-prick his festive inflatables. You write your name with pee on his fake snow. Suspicious, the neighbor pulls an all-nighter to keep watch. You are busted and given a very stern talking to after he catches you replacing the icons in a nativity scene with summer squashes that you’ve drawn faces on.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — A relationship with a younger partner gets dangerous after someone disapproves. Complicating matters, the lover does not understand your age-related ailments. That and the matter of entertainment — every time you are in the car together they sing along to that new song from Lorde. Suddenly you realize if you want to keep this thing going, you’re going to have to drop some bills on the “What’s Hot” section of iTunes.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — The holiday season is a time for joy, love and family. This is true for most, but not you. You will be reaching a full month of unemployment and will have no money for gifts for family and friends. In a normal family the fact that you can’t afford gifts wouldn’t be a big deal, but your conservative family will shun you. Your father will wonder openly why you can’t just find a steady job and your sister encourages you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — You’ll come back to work, after weeks of being sidelined after the accident. You’ll find that your job has been filled, and while your boss won’t fire you, you will, in effect, be demoted. Unfortunately for you the day only gets worse. You won’t be told to bring a dish for the holiday potluck and therefore will be banned from participation. No cookies for you, loser. To make a bad day worse, you’ll get a flat tire on the way home. You’ll soon be longing for the injured days, full of joy.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — Sales will keep improving, as the popularity of your hot dog cart continues to climb. The “Sour Krauts” will leave you alone in the coming weeks, which will further improve your bottom line. You will happily sling wieners for the throngs of fans until a grown man asks for ketchup on his hot dog. You will refuse. When he begins to get annoyed, you’ll spray him in the face with a squirt bottle of mustard and run away. The run-in will lead to a lawsuit and you’ll be forced to give up your cart dreams.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — You’ll find yourself in an unsettling situation when you run into some disgruntled Baylor and TCU fans at a local bar. There’s no surprise the Crimson Tide landed the top spot going into the college playoffs, and while (almost) everyone is happy, you’ll pick the wrong night to yell “Roll Tide!” One particular horned-frog fan will punch you in the mouth, resulting in a few missing teeth. You’ll really fit the Alabama stereotype now, but at least you won’t be wearing an Ohio State jersey.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — An upcoming office Christmas party will leave you naked and stranded on Bourbon Street. Having no recollection of what led you to such a ratchet state, you’ll wake up, reeking of sewage, near a gutter surrounded by an ungodly amount of empty Hand Grenade cups. You’ll be angered at your coworkers, especially after having bought the most coveted secret Santa gift, but come Monday morning, an empty office will reveal that you were the only one to make it out alive.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — After realizing one can shamelessly make up a story and pass it as factual for publication in one of the nation’s most well-recognized magazines, you’ll begin to develop a pitch for your own compelling piece. You’ll pen the heroic tale of Kris Kringle, a former gang member rising from the slums of East Harlem to become one of the most beloved characters of all times. Your dreams will be shattered when it’s discovered that your St. Nick is actually just a drunk old man from Mobile SantaCon.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — A ban on puns in news reporting will spread from China to the United States, and local TV stations will have no outlet for “dad jokes.” After failing to squeeze in a few in during live segments, a gang of male anchors will start a network of comedy spots known as the “Punderground,” which explodes in popularity due to its illegality. Like an Al Capone of one liners, the ring leader will eventually be driven mad by power (and syphilis). His death in the Mobile Metro Jail will bring about the end of era.