Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Inspired by Jimmy Buffett’s invention of Trop Rock and legion of followers, you decide to market your own talent and lifestyle. Unfortunately, despite your street cred, Trop Rap never really takes off and Hennesyville doesn’t attract the free-wheeling, carefree crowd you envisioned. You do however, become the subject of a featured video on World Star Hip Hop after a 12-year-old beats you up on the subway.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) —You’ll attend anger management classes, after you’re sued by a smoker for medical bills. You’ll argue in court that the assumption of health for a smoker should be null and void, but the jury doesn’t see it that way. Your first class will go well until the instructor says something about the caliber of the acting chops on Keanu Reeves. You’ll politely remind him of “The Devil’s Advocate” before smashing a plastic chair over his head and being kicked out.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — Fifteen years in state prison will not be easy on you, but you’ll be particularly happy when the first episode of the Serial about your case drops. You’ll feel slightly vindicated when producers of the show begin to comb through evidence of your case and find inconsistencies that may get you off. However, by the end of the series, nothing will be settled and you’ll still be in jail, but at least people are talking about it … then there’s the Nesha call.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — Famished from your painted run, you’ll grab a Big Buford and continue walking down Dauphin, like you’re not naked or anything. Strangers will snicker, but you’ll power through. The YouTube videos that are published about your escapade will bring you, once again, into the public eye. You’ll feel better and better about yourself, as the number of views increase. Your videos will become more popular than Kim Kardashian’s booty. It will result in a life-changing opportunity.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — The Roast of Justin Bieber will inspire you to set up a similar event for yourself, where so-called-friends will try their hardest to sling jokes about your ex-lover. Your friends won’t be so smart though, and they’ll take the roast to a whole new level – assuming you want them to actually roast you. It’ll all be fun and games until you realize your reserved seat is actually inside an extra-large pot. But before you realize there will be no tired jokes about your sex life, you’ll be on fire like Alicia Keys. Your lucky charm this month is aloe vera.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — After much turmoil surrounding controversial tax hikes and subsequent special election votes, you’ll finally come to terms with giving the majority of your money away to the powers that be. But when serious talk of tax increases that may jeopardize your only joys in life, like booze and cigarettes, you’ll go straight into panic mode. Hitting up the nearest gas station, you’ll stock up on Pall Mall and Natural Light, only to be robbed just a few miles down the road. Face it, you’ll never beat the system.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — You’ll make a seemingly small, yet crucial mistake at work this week. You’ll be forced you to do laundry using the office’s questionable washer and dryer, after spilling some of the also questionable brown liquid on your pristine work attire. Nonetheless, your boss will find you in your skivvies after hours, as you do household chores and sashay around the kitchen. You’ll encounter many awkward moments after he accuses you of living in the office.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — You’ll get concerned after you find your new roommate’s cartoon-themed liquid in the shower you share. While you personally don’t feel the need to get “Lightning Mc(Clean),” you’ll try not to pass judgement — at least at first. However, after finding a “Smurfette loufa” you’ll start to notice a pattern of cleaning supplies tailored to the mind of child. You’ll to continue on as if everything is normal, but your concerns will climax after finding a “Power Rangers” bubble bath, promoting an abrupt relocation to your parents’ basement.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — You’ll make a pact to boycott all things ******* in response to the state’s discriminatory “Religious Freedom” legislation — evening going to far as to refuse to speak its name aloud. You’ll cancel a trip to Bloomington: No sweat. You’ll stop reading Garfield: Check. However, you’ll realize the true price of activism once you figure out where the Final Four is played. Though it’s hard, missing the games is actually not too bad because Kentucky blows the lead at the last minute resulting a second financial crisis. #psychics #datspread #callyourbookie
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — After joining an underground network on Grand Theft Auto set up by Mobile’s law enforcement community, you’ll be surprised to learn you’ve been playing the game all wrong. While obtaining and then later murdering a digital hooker is fun, it can’t hold a candle to a slow-speed pursuit followed by the uneventful arrest of a minor drug offender. Robbing a bank will seem like a snoozefest once you’ve … investigated fresh clues from a bank another person has recently robbed. Feeling like a champion, you’ll celebrate loudly as you break the team record for number of domestic violence incidents responded to in a single session.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Rolling your eyes at yet another promise to pave Ann Street, you and a group of resourceful neighbors finally take matters into your own hands. Noticing how those worthless copies of Gulf Coast Life stiffen with a combination of water and pressure, you collect thousands of the unwanted curbside throws and begin to lay them out, end to end, between Government Street and Old Shell Road. After the first heavy rain Ann Street is as smooth as glass, and you will be victorious until a tossed cigarette butt ignites the entire block.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Before Uber swoops in and steals all the business, you decide it’s high time to get that rickshaw service off the ground. Starting with a single route on Dauphin Street, you get as healthy as you’ve ever been pulling as many as two passengers around downtown at a time. Eventually you hire additional employees for new routes servicing West Mobile and the Eastern Shore. But alas, some a-hole with a horse and buggy will enter the scene, and your profits will instantly evaporate.