Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – You will finally get some exercise next weekend, running from an angry bull. The bull in question will escape from the traveling petting zoo. You will disregard your significant other’s suggestion and wear that red shirt with the hole in the collar, which will lead to sadness. Even at a full-on sprint, the bull will connect a horn with your butt cheek. The good news is you will not be without a doughnut the rest of the week. The bad news is it’s the other type of doughnut.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – You’ll dust off the old Kid Rock sleeveless T-shirt after you catch a glimpse of the 2014 Bayfest lineup. Even though a series of streaking incidents has left you banned from entering Bonaroo, The Hangout and several other live music venues, it’s likely you’ll be able to slide under the radar at Alabama’s largest music festival. With only a few months left until the music starts downtown, you’ll need to get a jump-start on picking out the perfect “incognito” disguise. Always remember, sometimes more is less.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – An upcoming trip to the dentist will yield a remarkable discovery. The typical, and usually uneventful annual teeth cleaning will reveal you have a fifth wisdom tooth. But, remember, this doesn’t actually make you smarter. In fact, you’ll refuse to get the tooth removed just so you can rack up on narcotic pain pill prescriptions. Your doctor will oblige at first, but eventually he will cut you off, the pain will become unbearable and surgery will be your only option. I hope you enjoy pureed foods – especially potatoes.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – Facing withdrawal symptoms from the absence of the World Cup, you goooooooo down to the sporting goods store to peruse the selection of soccer balls. An impromptu match breaks out in the aisles, with yourself and the employees on one team, taking on a group of youthful illegal aliens who recently crossed the border. The foreigners take an early lead but the match is called after a militia forms in the firearms department and flushes the illegals out.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – Taking a page from LeBron James’ playbook, you’ll try to negotiate a new contract with your boss this week. You’ll have plenty of time to iron out the reasons you aren’t the “The King” while cleaning out your desk. Maybe making a “What should I do?” tape and showing it during the staff meeting was the final straw, but then again it could have been your refusal to stop covering your hairline with sweatbands. Either way, you aren’t likely to hear back from HR or Nike anytime soon.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – While trying to kill a few minutes at lunch, you’ll make the mistake of dropping by the local animal shelter. There you’ll encounter a heap of trouble after setting all of the puppies loose and encouraging them to lick your face as you lay on the ground yelling “stampede!” and giggling. To avoid jail, you’ll make a deal with the director to clean the cat cages for a week. After an hour of that, you’ll give up and report to the county lock up for processing.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – You’ll feel conciliatory after a temporary cease-fire is brokered between Israel and Hamas. It came at a good time, because your own Iron Dome defense was starting to show some weakness from a constant bombardment. Regardless, you’re ready to bury the hatchet because the tension between you and a neighbor had reached its greatest heights sho-far.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – The 2014 Nappie Awards ceremony is quickly approaching and anxiety is shooting through the roof. You don’t have the perfect outfit with just the right amount of swag and perhaps more importantly, you don’t have a date. In hopes to solve the conundrum, you’ll send vague, passive tweets at the person you’re certain will win the “DJ Whose Voice Leads You to Believe You May want to See Naked” category. You’ll be pleasantly surprised when you receive a tweet back. Let’s just say you’ll definitely turn heads when you both show up to the Saenger Theatre in your birthday suits.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – The current state of your love life, or lack thereof, will soon force you to turn to the world of online dating. You’ve always said you’d “never do that,” but let’s face it, you’re pretty needy these days. Once you realize all your other options have been exhausted, you’ll give in and create accounts on OkCupid, Tinder and Plenty of Fish. You’ll miraculously take a better-than-average selfie that even surprises yourself, and a ridiculous number of messages will quickly fill your inbox. Alas, an attractive, self-proclaimed pastor’s kid with hipster glasses will catch your eye, but you’ll quickly discover the encounter won’t be anything close to a “Christian Mingle.”
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – Your frustration with city traffic will boil over next week when yet another tractor-trailer gets stuck in the Bankhead Tunnel. While you rage, your mind drifts to thoughts of a cartoon roadrunner once again fooling Wile E. Coyote by painting a tunnel on the side of a plain brick wall. You will giggle to yourself as you picture a coyote driving the stuck truck. The thought of the cartoon will have you Jonesing for some Frosted Flakes. You will immediately decide to ditch your car and walk home to satisfy your craving.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – You will get detained at airport security after your very loud sneeze sounds like a terrorist threat. You will plead with the TSA agent to let you out of airport jail and try to explain that you only have a bad cold and you are actually terrified to fly because of the threat of terrorism. The agent almost lets you go when your phone rings out your favorite song by The Gap Band. That’s why no one has ringtones anymore.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – You’ll strike it rich at the pawnshop, where Katherine Webb and AJ McCarron’s wedding party have already hawked their personal gifts from the union. Yes, the groomsmen were awarded gold-plated Casio wristwatches and ball caps with the word “SWAG” in a graffiti font. The bridesmaids lucked out with silver belly button chains and gift cards to a spa and tattoo parlor. You and your girl will be living like redneck millionaires.