Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After pursuing it as a personal hobby, you’ll land a job in Washington, D.C., determining whether Barack Obama ever did things President Donald Trump will propose in the future. With constant claims supporting and refuting the notion, you’ll enjoy at least six months of job security.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — A much-needed update of your LinkedIn profile will get pushed to the top of your agenda after you discover Krispy Kreme uses the network to find donut testers. Tragically, you’ll get the job and its six-figure salary only to die three months later in a heap of sugary regret.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — While trying to address an issue with a local water board, you’ll start a short novel to pass the time as you wait for a customer service representative. However, by the time your call is taken, you’ll be a certified plumber and tackle the problem yourself.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After interrupting their escalating conversation at a local bar, you’ll politely let a pair of friends know neither of them is qualified to discuss health care reform with any authority. Of all the pioneers of 21st century medicine, you’ll note that almost none drank Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Assuming your dog’s weight gain is pregnancy related, you’ll decide to live-stream the potential puppy birth. You’ll be disappointed and disgusted to find out the extra weight was gas related. The good news is your video will still go viral.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll be able to attend a news conference in 20 years announcing the opening of the new Interstate 10 bridge over the Mobile River. Unfortunately, two years later technology will make flying cars affordable and widely used. You’ll laugh as the bridge becomes obsolete.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll “wake up” to discover the last year of your life was nothing more than a very realistic virtual reality video game. The fusion of fantasy and reality will force you to test the limits of mortality. You’ll run into traffic, eat hot wings and use Pert Plus.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Your garage band will gain entry into SouthSounds after one of the acts cancels. You call your sound a Southern version of the Polyphonic Spree, but the audience calls it “disappointing.” You’ll lose both French horn players and have to cancel.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be the most interesting man in the world as you sip a mint julep and take control of a couth, Southern-accented tête-à-tête on the opening day of the Fairhope Arts and Crafts Festival. Later you’ll return by boat to West Egg, where you’ll enjoy a street vendor’s hot dog.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Sometime during St. Patrick’s Day weekend, you’ll pull out your ancient flute and summon the Crichton Leprechaun. Turns out that’s just a euphemism for when you’re likely to have sex but then you vomit drunkenly and scare your partner away.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — When you hear season 7 of Game of Thrones will not debut until the middle of July, you’ll spend the next four months in a northern tree cave repeating the word “Hodor.” You will be enchanted back to reality by either The Red Woman’s sorcery or a swift kick in the groin.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll offer your professional services as a crisis management specialist to Gov. Robert Bentley in case of his impeachment. Stubborn as he is, you’ll only be able to encourage him to say “I’m sorry” and “I love you” with a few dozen roses from Publix.
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