Libra (9/23-10/22) — In honor of the annual return of Greek Fest, you’ll forgo contemporary work attire in favor of a traditional fustanella. You’ll be the laughing stock of men at the office, but will regain confidence after the women start treating you like “just one of the girls.” With the light, knee-length skirt adding pep to your step, you’re more often compelled to spin around dramatically, skip through a meadow of blooming wildflowers or pause seductively over a subway grate as air rushes upward from a passing train below.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — When a friend tags you in a Facebook post which outs you as a performance enhancing drug user, you’ll immediately be suspended from your men’s softball team for a “violation of team rules.” You’ll claim ignorance, saying you had no idea the league had any rules at all, much less rules regulating the use of over-the-counter testosterone boosters. You’ll hire a lawyer to sue for defamation, but the suit will fail when security footage leaks showing you purchasing bulk vitamins at GNC.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Following a chance encounter with a friend from college, you’ll receive an invitation to a Halloween party in a Silverhill cornfield. You’ll buy a family “Incredibles” costume set for the party. Arriving at the party in your Dodge Caravan — decorated like the Manta Jet — you’ll be disappointed it isn’t a family party, but an adults-only recreation of a scene from “Eyes Wide Shut.” Your apologies to your wife, Elastigirl, will be fruitless and you will spend the next month sleeping in the Manta Jet.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — With the news that your wife’s grandmother is moving to a nursing home, you’ll feel free to finally admit you broke the heirloom ceramic Santa Claus cookie jar at Christmas 2006. The guilt has haunted you ever since, but you’ll feel better telling the truth. However, Granny will write you out of the will and the chubby cousin you originally blamed it on — now an accomplished MMA fighter — will give you an atomic wedgie.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After seeing former “Roseanne” star John Goodman show off his recent weight loss, you’ll be motivated to make a few healthier choices as well. Unlike the cast of “Roseanne,” however, the role you play in your family’s life can’t be replaced with a lookalike without a valid expectation. You’ll also take to the outdoors to enjoy the wonderful fall weather, but beware of borrowing your neighbor’s lawn chairs. Despite her quaint appearance, it turns out Gladdis keeps a blade in her diabetic shoe.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll take passive-aggressive to the next level after a skirmish with a friend leads you to revenge in a diabolic yet untraceable way. When they leave the room, you’ll reach into a family-size assortment of chips and sadistically crush a significant but believable number of the Funyuns inside one of the bags. A few days later your “friend” will take out the bag for a snack at work only to find delicious, oniony dust. There won’t be any “fun’ in the ‘yuns” on that day.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — With an impending visit from your parents, you’ll set aside a few hours to give the place a thorough cleaning. In the process you’ll find a few items once lost. Things like your backup keys, that other beige dress sock, the missing da Vinci manuscripts and several loose pens. On the bright side, you’ll auction off the manuscripts and buy an $8 million home. It will take almost a full year for your new abode to collect enough filth to elicit your mother’s complaining.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll get into some hot water at the office when you bring leftover lobster for lunch, much to the chagrin of your coworkers. In the words of one Donald Trump, everyone knows leftover lobster is tough and its smell is somewhere between hot, wet baby diaper and a gasoline fart. That’s why you should finish it the night you have it. Anyway, the smell will permeate the cubicles and the stench will have you on your coworkers’ bad sides all day.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Inspired by Facebook’s new “Reactions” button, you’ll try to incorporate more expressions in your everyday life. You made quite a few friends previously, being meek and non-controversial, but you’ll lose them all with your new attitude. You’ll constantly brag about your cheap haircut and pick on everyone in your life. Your new sarcastic nature will rub everyone the wrong way. In addition, you’ll love to hear and come up with puns. You’ll basically be the worst.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — As one of your #squadgoals this year, you’ll attempt to make friends with anyone who doesn’t work with you. That means you’ll steer clear of Terry in shipping, who always smells a little too much like pumpkin spice. You’ll avoid Nancy in legal, who ends every sentence with an upward inflection. You’ll run away from mailroom Greg, who has an affinity for “NFL congratulations” and you’ll stay alert around Clara from human resources, who flirts constantly even though she should know better. Get away before it’s too late.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Your parenting skills will be called into question after your kids discover Luke’s 1992 hit “Doo Doo Brown” on your MP3 player. Suddenly, every child in preschool will be screaming “Uh, uh, get it, get it!” on the playground. Luckily, the youngsters find the chorus of shouting men on the track more difficult to decipher, but not before Sister Katherine dresses you down for raising a 5-year-old who inquires about what a “cootchie” is during Sunday School.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — As a mad scientist, you decide Arts Alive this weekend is the perfect venue at which to unveil your latest experiment — half-assed human clones of Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet and Edvard Munch. But rather than produce priceless works of art you can sell on the global market to fund your ultimate scheme of world domination, the absence of a few key chromosomes leaves Picasso with the singular ability to stack Lego bricks, Monet only able to mix all watercolors into one dull shade of brown and Munch just running around holding his face, screaming at everybody. You’ll all be involuntarily committed to AltaPointe.
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