Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Inspired by a local business person’s silent protest, you begin to hang banners all around town calling out all those who have deceived you. Sentiments such as “PARENTS: LIARS,” “SPOUSES: LIARS,” “COLLEGE: LIARS” and even “MISTER ROGERS: LIAR” sure feel good to get off your chest, but a flurry of cease-and-desist orders and municipal fines soon take their toll. You’ll be pleased to find the sign company did not deceive you with its claims of “weather-resistant vinyl” when you repurpose the signs as a makeshift roof in your new squatter encampment.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Appalled by another violent crime in the heart of downtown, you organize a roving band of horseback vigilantes. Wearing masks and capes and boasting a combined two and a half hours of martial arts training, you and your team of rogue crime fighters put felons on notice. Upon steeds bestowed such gallant names as “Arabian Frights,” “Appaloosa Justice” and “Tennessee Stalker,” the amount of fear you instill is matched only by the amount of manure in the streets. Soon, the sound of a slow trot on pavement is all it takes to deter the next potentially deadly incident and eventually, peace is restored citywide.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — With the first Alabama football game approaching Saturday, you’ll be shocked to see your name listed second on the team’s quarterback depth chart, right between Cooper Bateman and Jake Coker. You haven’t thrown a football in almost 10 years, and it’s obvious Saban is just throwing crap on the wall until it sticks in this “competition.” You’ll decide to suit up on game day, knowing you can’t be half as bad as previous Bama quarterbacks Marc Guillon, Brandon Avalos and Brian Burgdorf.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll receive a letter from the Environmental Protection Agency chiding you for throwing dirt over the koi pond installed by your home’s previous owners. You’ll decide to fight government bureaucracy from the comfort of your back porch. In defiance you’ll throw the pond’s remaining goldfish on your backyard grill and tweet a cell phone picture of the event to EPA on Twitter. Its all fun and games until the black helicopters appear and you find yourself at a work camp in Elberta.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — As Labor Day approaches, you’ll wonder why the government hasn’t designated a day for avid Street Fighter 2 players. You spent 4,500 hours trying to beat M. Bison in middle school. Your buddy Carl tried to “Hadouken” so hard he lost his left thumb. Isn’t it time Obama recognized the sacrifices SF2 players made in the 1990s? Your online petition will get 2,000 signatures, far below the threshold needed for a White House response, but gamers everywhere will adore you for your principled stand.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll get into a nasty altercation with a lady trying to sell a vacuum cleaner on a local Facebook page. What’s starts as a mutually beneficial arrangement turns ugly when you try to nail down a location for the swap. You’ll resent the woman after she sends you a message saying, “Of course you want to meet at Arby’s.” You’ll respond saying, “Keep your Hoover. Maybe you could use it on your face.” She’ll subsequently be checked into the hospital for third-degree friction burns.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll slowly realize the friend you trusted to walk you through your first fantasy football draft may have been sabotaging you. Though you think it’s curious he encouraged you to draft most of the Chicago Bears’ roster, you won’t really put the pieces together until mid-October. However, in a turnaround year for the storybooks, the Bears are going to run the table and your friend will learn the lesson that treachery doesn’t pay.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — While you’re somewhat shocked that Kanye West would announce a 2020 presidential run, you’re even more surprised it took as long as it did. Among the hordes of blithering idiots that share a God complex in popular culture, Kanye seems the only suitable candidate to jump into the primetime circus our national political system has become. An upcoming change in the election process will allow voters to text in their ballots during a debate/dance-off on live TV.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll honor your favorite baseball team by wearing pajamas to work. While you explain your undying love for the team to co-workers, HR will be reluctant to understand. Fearing stress has finally “pushed you over the edge,” your company will force you to take two personal days. You won’t mind the time off, as the team you love plays a lot of day games, and you’ll also be pleased to get your own office, in a different office, when you return.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After watching a garbage truck break down in front of your house two days in a row next week, you’ll decide that your garbage is, in fact, blessed. You’ll build a shrine to the pile of rotten bananas and moldy pizza crusts and begin to charge people admission to touch the deity. The illusion will end once the smell gets so bad the neighbors start to complain. It will be the easiest $12.50 you’ve ever made.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be dismayed to hear the most recent meth lab discovered by police is your childhood home where your parents still live. Your father will say he started making the stuff to supplement his income and he’ll admit it may have gotten out of hand. You’ll get really upset when your family dog starts scratching more than usual. You won’t be able to forgive pops for what he did to Sparky, although you’ll be amused at the dog’s fitting name.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Irritated by a competitor’s snarky tweet, your impulse will be to respond tenfold, publicly shaming them for their inexperience, ineptitude and naivete. Instead you take the high road, logging into your troll account and making fun of their physical appearance and odd mannerisms. Frustrated that your effort has failed to generate a response, you decide to perform a “Chicago sunroof” upon their personal vehicle. The lack of fiber in your diet delays the operation, so you concede to giving them dirty looks from across the room.