Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — Your week will be OK. You’ll learn that you are the winner of a lifetime supply of Baby Ruth candy bars, but the shipment will be lost when the delivery truck falls off the Bayway into Mobile Bay. You will be the source of great happiness for people in your town when a Facebook video called “Free Candy on the Beach!” goes viral. You will head down to Fairhope to get one of the prized Baby Ruth bars, but it will taste funny. Next week will be spent Googling information on how to combat diseases that come from eating stale, funny-tasting, suspect candy bars.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) — When your wife asks you to take your cranky baby for a late night drive, you will scour the Mobile/Baldwin radio stations for a song that pleases the teething one-year-old. You will search and search until you stop on the “alternative rock” station. You’ll be shocked to discover that your sweet little child likes the latest Slipknot song. When the baby finally falls asleep, you’ll go home and apologize to your wife for failing as a father. Go ahead and sign your daughter up for a subscription to Alternative Press and a Hot Topic frequent buyer card because your fate is sealed.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — After a weekend spent paddling a long canoe with your coworkers, you’ll spend the next week complaining of soreness and sunburn and headaches. You’ll smile and tell your work friends that you had a lot of fun, but deep down inside you rue the day you signed up for the event. You secretly wish you’d stayed home with the one smart coworker who didn’t participate. You guys could have watched baseball and soccer and eaten chips and salsa and stuff. Instead, you dread falling asleep at night for fear of hearing a dishevelled Norwegian coxswain yelling “Hips to the gunnel!” repeatedly.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — You’ll get so excited about the 2015 FIFA Women’s World Cup that you’ll forget the event’s parent organization is entangled in a massive international corruption scandal and appreciate the beautiful game for what it is. However, as signs that say, “FIFA: Say no to racism” dot your screen, you’ll remember the Legion-of-Doom style policies that led to the scandal and start to question how you can support a process that is unfair to athletes, host countries and humanity in general. Then Sydney LeRoux will do something awesome and you’ll forget again.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — Looking back at Facebook, you’ll realize you missed #nationalbestfriendsday and will try to retroactively tag your best friend. However, you’re horrified to discover they’ve moved on once you notice they’ve already been tagged by an acquaintance from high school — one you would never assume to be #bestfriendmaterial. With rage and betrayal in your heart, you’ll drive to your #bestfriendshouse and strike them repeatedly with a #bestfriendbluntobject. You’ll be arrested for assault and sent to prison, where you’ll meet your #bestfriendramone.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — As a local “political hack” you spend a lot of your time pilfering through and adding to the comments on social media and al.com stories. However, tragedy will strike when Facebook realizes you’re an imposter and locks you out of your favorite troll profile. You’ll be asked to identify photos of your friends in order to sign back in, but won’t be able to because you’ve filled your friends list with random people to give your page legitimacy. Ironically, that will be your undoing.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/22) — Exhilarated by American Pharoah’s Triple Crown victory at Belmont, you try to score a hat trick of your own. Falling short of winning in competitions against people who take those things seriously, you settle on a more practical goal. Your friends, family and coworkers will not be as excited as you when you announce that you’ve made three successive trips to the toilet without spoiling the seat.
Capricorn (12/23 – 1/19) — You lose the office betting pool by predicting GulfQuest will open before the start of another school year, July 1 to be exact. A highly anticipated press conference to announce the opening date of the long-awaited maritime museum reveals the big day as Oct. 15 — in the year 5460. Officials explain it will correspond to the 165 million-year anniversary of the Cretaceous Period, when the Gulf was created. Its first major exhibit will be artifacts from the Tritanic — the world’s largest trimaran that sank in the winter of 4861, with nine million poor souls on board.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — You are pleasantly surprised by an informative presentation a co-worker makes to a bright, young group of undergrads. You sat in to ensure he didn’t libel anyone or disparage the company, and you are relieved that his only miscue was an ill-timed rape joke. Wait, did he seriously just make an ill-timed rape joke?
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Believing yourself too sophisticated for Southern social and political culture, you consider a move to California to be among like-minded individuals. Unfortunately, like-minded people smell like hippies in California and like to use their sleeves as napkins in order to save the environment. Everyone knows you love the environment — but still you refuse to recycle because it’s just “hard.” If you go, your refusal to fall in line with California treehuggers will result in you being deported to Utah. Then, you’ll be in for an entirely different set of problems.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — You’ll get drunk on Costco bourbon after your shift to buying in bulk leads to consuming in bulk. Let the blackout, memory loss and splitting headache be a lesson to you; just because you can buy a gross of Jim Beam doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. In the future, you should stick to buying only healthy items from the wholesale club. Also, avoid pennies if at all possible. They could lead to your downfall. You’ve been thoroughly warned.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — After repeated power outages continually foil your attempts to set the digital clock on your microwave, you’ll give up on the idea of clocks in general. You’ll ignore the digital displays in your house and you’ll tell coworkers and friends you’ve evolved beyond the need for a timekeeper. This, of course, is not true and will become painfully obvious to you the first day you show up to your job five hours late. You’re allowed to stay on the condition you adopt a pet rooster.
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