Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Hearing that the Mobile City Council has approved more funding for amenities downtown, you’ll continue to push for a “car cannon” to fix the congestion problem. The idea would be to build a contraption to blast vehicles from Cooper Riverside Park over the Mobile River and onto the Causeway. The plan will seem great until a toll is added to pay for it.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — A lover of freedom and a friend to animals everywhere, you’ll build a miniature, hollowed-out horse that Mobile’s squirrels can use to infiltrate meetings at the highest level of municipal government. This way, the furry creatures will know to run when the mayor’s office eventually pulls the trigger on the city’s extermination efforts.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After hearing that a number of medical students fall in love and get married before graduation, you’ll think back to a time in law school when you also married a classmate. It’s not that you’re not a romantic, but it was certainly a good thing you specialized in family law.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — In an attempt to make Mobile more appealing to a younger generation, you’ll work to change the entire image of the city. Instead of the retirement aesthetic the 300-year-old metropolis gives off, you’ll help to remake it into the image of a middle-aged teacher who sits backward in a chair and says he wants to “rap” instead of “talk” to you.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll receive a flurry of human resources emails from your office after you help celebrate a co-worker’s upcoming birthday by asking him if he enjoyed working as George Washington’s transportation secretary. Not only will you be reprimanded officially and forced to apologize, but the joke will be deemed so unfunny you’ll be banned from making any jokes for the remainder of your tenure.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Like a typical Libra, you’ll make a huge scene at a local restaurant when the server tells you the place only has Pepsi products, no Coke. You’ll throw a fit and walk out thirsty and hungry rather than subject yourself to inferior cola. You’ll do unspeakable harm to a nearby vending machine after the incident.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After hearing from the internet that Chuck E. Cheese has the best pizza in Tideland, you’ll give the Mobile location a try. The crustiness of the old cheese will pair well with the animatronic nightmare band in the corner. The clink and chime of the various games will add an ambiance you wouldn’t expect. All in all, a perfect 10.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — To avoid Baldwin County’s zoning laws, you’ll market and build patented, one-of-a-kind floating homes in Fairhope. The homes will hover above the ground, making typical zoning laws null and void. As usual, the State Legislature will step in and make the brilliant idea illegal.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After your 5-year-old fails to produce a gift for your wife on Mother’s Day, your bride of seven years will look at you like you failed in your duties. She’ll storm off in a huff after you tell her “you’re not my mother” while trying and failing to hold back a smile. You didn’t get your mother anything either.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Inspired by the money given to NFL rookies and Tim Tebow’s shot at a comeback in a different position, you’ll quit your boring day job and spend a year training for the 2022 NFL Draft. When you hurt your back running during the first workout, you’ll give up your “dream” forever.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Listening to the Alabama Legislature debate a controversial bill will inspire you to run for office. You don’t really want to help people and you don’t care about power, but being able to ramble on about nonsense has always intrigued you.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll bet on yourself this week when a friend dares you to get a hit off a University of South Alabama baseball pitcher. If you strike out it’ll cost you money. With pride and dough on the line, you’ll get in the box and face a 90 mph heater. After three flailing attempts to make contact, you’ll pay up and vow to never leave your house again.
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