Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll find out the hard way that National Tequila Day isn’t a widely known event after being pulled over on suspicion of DUI by an undercover officer who isn’t remotely in the holiday spirit.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — A new personnel strategy at your Baldwin County business will go bust when your idea to tap into a constant flow of escaped work-release inmates leads to some unforeseen, stab-wound-related consequences.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Your weightlifting challenge will take an awkward turn thanks to a faulty pair of gym shorts. You’ll be commended for your dedication to sport, but eliminated for steroid use without ever being tested.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — In a fit of rage while in a massive traffic jam on the Bayway, you’ll hurl a fellow driver over the side of the bridge. Realizing you might be headed to jail, you’ll jump in and save him by pulling him to land. You’ll buy beers for your soggy friend and by 10 p.m. Greg Peterson will declare you “Hero of the Week” on WPMI and give you a free calzone at his restaurant!
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll make good on a promise to your passive-aggressive roommate and go see her one-woman show over the weekend, only to realize the title is “Wash Your Damn Dishes: A Monologue.” You will never get that hour and half back.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — While taking out your trash early this Thursday in midtown, you’ll be attacked by either a coyote or a rabid fox. The uncertainty of the situation will lead you to forgo painful rabies shots and decide to just “drink it off.” While brushing your teeth at 2 a.m. following a massive hurling session, you’ll wonder if that’s toothpaste foam or rabies.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — After losing your election for a State House seat by just 28 votes, you’ll scream at your Wee Ball team for not supporting you, even though they’re all 7-year-olds. Things get worse when you order the newspaper you own to run a headline saying, “Butthead wins election!” Find your peace playing with toy trains.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Feeling rather itchy after watching countless commercials for various psoriasis treatments, you buy yourself some soothing salve. But after partying too hard on Taco Tuesday at Fuego you mistake the salve for your toothpaste. Yikes! Good news: Your teeth don’t itch. Bad news: You realize you hate the word “salve” as much as the word “moist.”
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Starting your campaign to win “Quintessential Mobilian” in the 2019 Nappie Awards early, you start doing “extra-Mobiley” things. You cut down all of your plants and replace them with azaleas, refuse to eat anything but Dew Drop dogs and MoonPies, and only answer to the name Joseph Stillwell Cain. You will receive enough votes for the win, but die of high cholesterol before being able to accept your honor.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — A pleasant evening out with your spouse goes sour when you misspeak and utter the phrase, “I see no reason I would want to have sex with you after I finish this chimichanga.” You’ll try to walk back that double-negative confusion over the next 48 hours, only to be called a fascist and a moron. You get “wouldn’t” tattooed on your forehead in shame.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After finding out there is not only an albino squirrel inhabiting the Port City but also an albino sparrow, you decide to go on your own little Mobile area safari to see what other exotic, pigment-less creatures we may have. Your trip will end suddenly, though, when you’re “Irwin-ed” by an albino stingray during a jubilee in Fairhope.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Afraid of the rise of veganism, you’ll start raising your own livestock to ensure a supply of tasty meats. After a few months, though, you’ll grow close to a pig named Kevin Bacon and attempt a plant-based diet. Days later, though, you’ll eat a rack of ribs while softly singing “Footloose” and sobbing.