Leo (7/23-8/22) — Taking a cue from New York Gov. Andrew Coumo, you also resign after being faced with accusations of sexual impropriety. None of your subordinates were harassed per se, but there’s really no excuse for what the intern saw when he walked in on you enjoying a beignet.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Seeing that the Senate’s proposed $1 trillion infrastructure bill has no earmark for the Mobile River Bridge, you begin to practice long-distance swimming. By 2025, your 2.5-hour swim to Fairhope will outpace most vehicular traffic.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Your support of a “Mask” mandate has nothing to do with coronavirus. The 2005 film “Son of The Mask” did not satisfy your appetite for a sequel to the Jim Carrey classic, so you boycott Hollywood until the legend returns.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’re convinced a very large hawk is stalking your new puppy, but everyone thinks you’re crazy. To prove your point, you push your baby nephew out into the yard in his car seat and moments later the hawk flies away with him. Your I-told-you-so moment will be disrupted by horrified screams and threats. They’ll thank you later when they’re the proud parents of “Hawkboy.”
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — An old sports injury will slow you down in coming weeks and people will start asking questions. Stick with your standard answer that it happened while playing football. No one needs to know it actually happened while watching football in your living room. You’ll go from hero to zero pretty quickly if the truth gets out.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ve been gobbling down huge amounts of horse and cattle dewormer in an effort to protect yourself from COVID, and it’s working! The bonus is you also are now worm-free. The downside is you’ll be hankering for a bale of hay for dinner.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After months of putting it off you join a health club with the purpose of dropping 20 pounds and becoming a healthier, more attractive you. But there is a small kink in the plan. The club you join is located next to Fred’s Fried Food Fantasy and Ice Cream Parlor. You add 20 pounds in two weeks, but insist you look better. Interestingly, you are halfway to your initial goal.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Fortune is smiling on you, my friend. While at a neighborhood rally opposing the construction of a roundabout on your street, you are arrested for disorderly conduct and indecent exposure (a gesture of contempt, to be certain). At the police station, you meet your future bride, who has been arrested for lewd behavior at a 7-Eleven store. True love can’t easily be explained.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — The latest COVID-19 concerns come at a bad time for you. It’s your vacation and you already had reservations and other plans to be in San Francisco. Instead, you canceled all those plans, got a reservation at a hotel off Interstate 65 between Montgomery and Greenville in which the swimming pool is closed for repairs and you will stay in your room, alone, and binge-watch “Seinfeld.” You justify this with the belief you are doing the right thing during these uncertain times. Bonus: you like it.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You are torn: your first born turns 16 today and is scheduled to take his driving test to earn his drivers license. You want him to have his license and be able to drive himself to places instead of hounding you. But you’re not crazy about him driving your new sports car, which he has swooned over for months. Your solution is to purchase him a new 10-speed bike in celebration. Congrats, you’re a problem-solver.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — For your boss’s birthday you decide to do something nice for everyone in the office and order pizza, not knowing, of course, your boss hates pizza. And so do others in the office. So, happy birthday to you. Have another slice of that pineapple/bacon/double cheese bit of heaven.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Discovering there is a housing shortage in the area, you decide to aid your community by renting out a spare bedroom in your home. However your true aim is revealed when your want ad suggests renters should be “hot Capricorns between the ages of 18 and 22.” Still, take a bow for doing your civic duty.
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