Aries (3/21-4/19) — Unfortunately, you’ll be one of many victims of a veteran pickpocket at a catered event next month. Like the other attendees, you’ll be so dazzled by single-serving-sized cups of shrimp and grits that the feeling of your wallet, watch and other valuables being lifted from your person will fail to register. In fact, you won’t notice the heist until you have no way to pay the woman at the McDonald’s drive-through later that night. Confused and inebriated, you’ll say, “Wallet … gone,” before shrugging and pulling away.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — The contentious political issue of the Syrian refugee crisis will come to an unlikely resolution thanks to the recent campaign launched by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints pushing for the acceptance of migrants in America. However, it won’t be the public’s opinion that gets swayed by the #iwasastranger campaign, it will be the refugees themselves who change course — turning away from the borders of the United States voluntarily after being repeatedly accosted by bicycle-mounted LDS missionaries.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — The future will be bright once you develop the world’s first self-baking potato. Your version of the root vegetable will include an edible button embedded in the skin allowing you to “start” the potato, avoiding the trouble of a clunky microwave. The self-heating potatoes will literally fly off the shelves — and I do mean literally fly, because they contain so many genetically modified organisms not only will they cook themselves, they’ll also levitate on command.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Your paranoia will get the better of you next week when you become convinced a light bulb burning out in your house is a sign the CIA is listening in on your phone conversations, although you only call your mother so it’s highly unlikely. You’ll begin tearing your home apart piece by piece looking for bugs. You’ll be unsuccessful in your efforts to locate listening devices, but you will find an almost-full bag of Cheetos between the sofa cushions. Free dinner!
Leo (7/23-8/2 3) —You’ll be removed as coach from your kid’s soccer team after arguing too many calls with the referee. After being told players can’t get carded in your kid’s U12 league, you’ll devise a game-winning plan where the players just punch their way to goals. While not in the spirit of good sportsmanship, the strategy shows promise until the referee starts to give out penalty shots. Irate, you’ll argue it’s against policy, but to no avail. You’ll be sent to an early shower and your kid will quit commie kickball forever.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll be driven to insanity when your wife spends the weekend binge watching the Twilight films on the family’s television. Convinced you’ve become a teenage vampire who sparkles in the sun, you’ll arrive at work on Monday with fabulous hair, fake fangs, skinny jeans and glitter splashed on your exposed parts. Coworkers will laugh if off for the first few days, but will become worried when you introduce them to your new best friend, a lifesize cardboard Kristen Stewart.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be excited to hear your favorite musician, Andrew W.K., started a new political party, the Party Party. While the party’s platform — celebrating shared values, coming together for the betterment of humanity — is generic and lame, the Party Party is where you’ll feel at home. After securing a job as its media coordinator, you’ll use the titles of rock anthems “Party Hard” and “Party Til You Puke” as campaign slogans for the party’s first presidential candidate, Bam Margera.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) — When Lisa from accounting brings leftover Easter candy to the office, the sugar buzz you get from eating an entire pack of chocolate-dipped marshmallow Peeps will turn you into the Bizarro version of yourself. Normally a quiet and unassuming presence at the office, the sugary treats will send you into an uncontrollable rage. Police will escort you out of the building for hitting a coworker with a keyboard, and you’ll later be arrested for tossing flower pots from the breezeway into the parking lot.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Eager to finally get your struggling music career off the ground, you’ll spend this weekend busking during SouthSouths 2016. While the sweet sounds of your steam calliope are generally well received, industry executives will remain skeptical about the logistical challenges of touring with and tuning several thousand pounds of copper tubing, a coal-powered engine and an antique Wurlitzer organ you purchased from the distant relative of a former circus sideshow performer. Your talent will not go unrecognized however, and you’ll be awarded with a house gig at the A&M Peanut Shop.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You are inspired to put your own spin on hummus after reading an article about the classic dish in a local weekly newspaper. Aiming to add a regional influence, you’ll substitute baked beans for chickpeas, and pork rinds for pita triangles. While the final presentation will resemble something fermented in Satan’s loins, your creativity and innovation will be noted by chef Paula Deen. As tempting as it may seem, you’ll want to avoid her offer to invest in a new joint venture based on the product, “Beaners: Home Away from Home Cooking.”
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Preparing to capitalize on the increased sedimentation in Fly Creek after the construction of a large apartment complex commences, you prepare a line of locally sourced and produced artisanal, organic, mud-based products to sell to savvy shoppers in the boutiques of Fairhope. Housewives will swoon over cosmetics such as “Fly Creek Facial” and “Murky Water Mud Mask,” but your stock will soar when the Home Shopping Network markets your “Zero Visibility” line of bath products, featuring a secret ingredient provided by Canada geese.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After stumbling upon a rogue news website, you’ll put yourself in mortal danger by discovering the existence and widespread reach of the “Dixie Mafia.” At first you‘ll joke that it sounds like an antagonist from a Hardy Boys novel, but you’ll go on to discover several high-profile politicos have already “slid into the DM’s” ranks. After packing your bags to leave town, you’ll hear an unusual sound from your engine. Later, neighbors will later tell police the explosion “was heard for miles.”