Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – After a few drinks, you’ll decide to head down to Callaghan’s. Due to a state of inebriation, you’ll accidently walk into one of the residential homes nearby. Luckily, the man whose home you enter is in or around the same mental state as you. After sharing a few stories and some tears, you’ll start to truly believe him to be the father you’ve lived without since a famed 1996 shrimping accident — a fact the man will not dispute despite being well aware he’s never reproduced.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – Emboldened by a local Republican elected official who is changing the definition of fiscal conservatism, you consider spending the money you budgeted for home maintenance next year on a swampy parcel of new property you intend to develop into the neighborhood’s most expensive and underutilized playground. Your friends and neighbors, who oddly have had their own difficulties getting their financial houses in order, encourage it. But a disheveled yet strangely prophetic bag lady threatens to place a curse upon you if you follow-through with the asinine idea. For once, listen to the bag lady.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – While at a concert at Soul Kitchen two Thursdays from now, you will accidentally leave your keys in your car downtown, unlocked and in a parking spot. To your amazement, you’ll initially find that the car was unmolested, even though it was unattended for so long. Upon further inspection, however — i.e., getting inside the vehicle — you’ll determine that it is, in fact, occupied by a family of raccoons, very angry raccoons. You will learn that raccoons can be very territorial.

Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – You will draw the ire of the majority of stay-at-home parents in Mobile, after you complain to the City Council about the rampant misbehavior at Chuck E. Cheese’s due to the sale of alcohol. You will argue that the indoor arcade and playground is not a safe place for animatronic animals, once alcohol is involved.  While you will argue in favor of banning alcohol sales, others — mostly parents — will argue in favor, because that’s the only way they can tolerate those same animatronic animals you will be defending.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – After an intense victory in Cornhole, you’ll be approached by a man from the crowd at O’Daly’s. He’ll soon reveal himself to be a scout for University of Nebraska’s “Fighting Corn Husker Cornholin’ Squadron” — the same team your grandfather captained before shipping out to World War II. After convincing you that you’ve got what it takes to cornhole with the best in the country, the scout wastes no time getting you on the bus to Lincoln. Though it seems a difficult path, you eventually find corning to be your true calling. 

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – A hint of autumn is in the air so you think it is the perfect time to break out those unwieldy boots. You may be a few weeks ahead of fall fashion trends but then the temperature and humidity start to rise. At the end of the day you peel them off and are knocked out by an indescribable stench. Your feet are swollen and waterlogged. A trip to the emergency room leads to the diagnosis of a medical precedent – elefoottitas.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – You’ll be surprised when a crossing guard at private school starts heading in your direction aggressively. As he makes his way toward your car, you’ll think to yourself, “this is quite a reaction for inching forward during a traffic standstill.” At the last second, you’ll notice it’s not any ordinary crossing guard, but a Mobile County Constable — prompting your fight or flight mechanisms. From the safety of the woods you’ll hear the man screaming something about “keeping these kids safe because, because you’ll be working for them one day.”

Aires (3/21 – 4/19) – After watching this year’s Miss America competition, you will feel compelled to choreograph your own “happy red cup routine.” Instead of singing Pharrell’s “Happy,” while banging a red cup on the floor, you’ll for some unknown reason choose Evanescence “Bring Me To Life.” You won’t be happy with this far more depressing rendition, but your hardcore beer pong-playing friends will be impressed and insist you all start a metal band called The Red Solo Cups.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – You’ll be outraged upon hearing the reports of Kanye West complaining about wheelchair-bound fans not standing for him, while at a show in Australia. First he picked on Taylor Swift and now this. You won’t be able to let it go. You’ll immediately begin planning a charity fundraiser. You’ll want something with the panache of a dunking booth, but way more painful. It will then hit you. You’ll invite the rapper to a “paper cut booth.” The idea will bring in millions of dollars. 

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – You are dismayed after you call 9-1-1 to report a house fire with entrapped residents when an engine full of white firefighters and medics arrives. Angered by the lack of diversity on the crew in this day and age, you attempt to thwart their efforts until minority help shows up on scene. Your role as hero quickly turns to that of the villain as the home’s occupants succumb to the flames. Although you are arrested and charged with multiple counts of manslaughter, you claim a victory for affirmative action.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – You will be pummeled by cans of beer at Ladd-Peebles Stadium, after a vendor takes a tumble during the third quarter of a University of South Alabama football game. You will jump from your seat and verbally assault the now-injured stadium employee, while fellow Jags fans help clean up the head blood. You will go so far as to throw the extra-tall cans of Bud Light Lime at the unconscious vendor, before yelling that you will sue for the damage the cans “clearly” have done to your spine.

Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – Once you realize you’ve received U2’s new album for free (thanks Apple), you’ll experience many different emotions. First, you’ll feel happy because you got something for free, but the feeling will quickly transform into confusion and then paranoia. You’ll suddenly feel like you’re on Big Brother and convince yourself the government has taken over everything. In an attempt to survive off the grid, you’ll move out to farmland in Idaho where you will become a hippy and live off the land.