Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Now that the cold weather is sort of here, you may want to rethink wearing that “fur” coat you got at the thrift shop. The nutria fur isn’t the problem. The issue is there is a passel of baby opossums living in the pockets. Since they’re nocturnal, you’ll have a very frightening and embarrassing experience just as you’re walking into a restaurant. Nothing says banned for life like setting three baby opossums hissing and running through a restaurant.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Like two ships passing in the night you walked past your one true love on Halloween night. Your soul mate was even wearing a costume that matched your costume — the peanut butter to your jelly, the Skyler to your Walt, the foam finger to your Miley. Unfortunately, you soul mates also have a shared love … booze. The tunnel vision that comes with drinking totally blocked one another. Who knows when you will see each other sans costume and sober again.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — For some reason you’ll be looking for some shredded paper soon. It might be to ship expensive porcelain figurines, to use as kitty litter or for papier-mâché. Either way, you’ll be in the need of some. While scouring the most unlikely places, you’ll find a boatload in a dumpster near Government Plaza! Boy, they must be busy over there. Some of the paper will not be fully shredded and you can read “Police Explorers FREE TRIPS FOR SUPPORTERS,” “How to over pay $500,000 on LED lights” and “…just buy some footy pajamas for the kids.” So weird.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’re kind of bummed Sandy Stimpson is having a clean up day as part of inauguration ceremonies. When Sandy was elected, you thought you might get a glimpse inside the life of the people on “The Hill” since you’re firmly planted in “The Valley.” No such luck. So tell your friends to return their tails and ball gowns or decide throw a super exclusive inauguration without the mayor in Crawford Park. Don’t be surprised if a few of the city’s homeless crash your highbrow event.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — The fire department is beginning to know your name. It seems every year when you have a bonfire you end up calling 911. One time it was for falling into the fire. Another time it was because you thought throwing gasoline on the fire was a good idea. This year you’ll try as hard as you can to stay away from the sweet allure of flames only to be drawn back in. You’ll light a candle and next thing you know, your curtains are on fire. Good thing you have some of the firefighters’ numbers on speed dial.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — The beginning of November means one thing for you — stretching out your stomach before Thanksgiving. While some may give thanks for blessings, you view Thanksgiving as a day of gorging and football. The best way to do that is to stretch your stomach for at least three weeks before the big day. Oddly enough, your regimen of eating pounds of lettuce and drinking tons of water is the healthiest you are all year.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Craving the finer things in life, you’ll fashion a hot tub out of a really big kiddie pool and a few hot plates. One evening while enjoying beer in your contraption, you’ll nod off. You’ll be awakened by paramedics taking you to the hospital for heat exposure. Oh, and you also have to deal with the plastic stuck to you after it melted. You’ll also be in trouble for ruining your lawn since the hot plates will burn several circles in the grass. Triple fail.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — There is going to be a lot of Halloween candy left at your house and I do mean a lot. It’s probably due to the fact you bought candy, but very slyly turned off the front porch light. No trick-or-treaters means pounds of candy for you. After your fifth pound though, you’ll start to feel like something isn’t sitting right. Perhaps it’s because you mixed M&Ms and Skittles together, which should NEVER be done. Soon you’ll retaste the rainbow as your throw up the rest of the night.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — Your favorite day isn’t Halloween like most people’s. No, your favorite day is Nov. 1, which is also known as 50-percent-off Halloween candy day! Is there any better day to score candy corn on the cheap? How about half-off Reese’s pumpkins? You wake up early to get to the stores before the other half-offers get their grubby little hands on the goods. Whenever you feel sleepy, you just eat a few fun size Almond Joys to give you a perk. It’s the perfect plan.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Some embarrassing pictures of you from Halloween are making the Internet rounds, but what else is new? Unlike previous years, you’re not showing anything you shouldn’t be. Unfortunately, your parents’ friends will see your photo. Shenanigans are not as funny when your parents and their friends call and write to tell you they’re concerned. It takes the sparkle out of being belligerent.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Once again you’ll be tricked into joining a cult. This time you’ll go into a haunted house, pass out somewhere in the maze and wake up with your head shaved and everyone calling you Moon Flower. This isn’t your first step into the cult world so you know it’s best to just play it cool. Besides, you never know when you can actually end up being the leader. Unfortunately/fortunately for you, the cult leader will see the Benedict Arnold gleam in your eye and ship you home quickly.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll learn an important lesson — never try to help a drunk, angry woman. While running into a demure flower yelling at a trashcan, you’ll decide to be helpful. As you try to talk to her and find out what the issue is, she turns around abruptly, starts screaming at you and then starts hitting you with all her might, which thankfully isn’t a lot. You can help drunk and you can help angry, but you can’t help drunk and angry.
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