Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Your attempts to watch Major League Baseball will be derailed after one of the first games you decide to take in features a gentleman named Buster Posey. Though you found it hard to take America’s pastime seriously before, it will be insurmountable going forward.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Now that school is out and you’re contemplating summer’s endless possibilities, you’ll feel higher than Tiger Woods on a pharmaceutical cocktail. You’ll pass out on the beach and awaken with a third-degree sunburn. You’ll recover on Dauphin Island’s Aloe Bay.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll start a war with your neighbors when you refuse to fight the rezoning request of a neighborhood doughnut shop. Unfortunately for your neighbors, you love doughnuts and hate being inconvenienced. You’ll support the rezoning.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — After bingeing on a popular Netflix show, you’ll change the affectation of your voice and try to lead your household with an iron fist. You’ll change your mind when you’re forced outside in the rain, along with the family dog, who chewed up the carpet.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll help develop a plan to begin construction on an underground city below Mobile. You’ll immediately run into a problem, as digging crews are inundated with water. You’ll scrap those plans and instead create a floating city. It’ll open in 2021.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll start planning a new bicycle race in Mobile. Everything will go great until the day of the event, when you forget to have the street barricaded. The event will then become less of a bike race and more of a test of wills.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll take advantage of a $4-off admission coupon in Lagniappe to reacquaint yourself with Waterville’s “Screamin’ Demon” slide. Later, in an online review, you’ll liken it to a cross between a kamikaze dive and an excessively overpowered bidet.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll overindulge in crawfish again at the 8th annual Duel on Dauphin. At your resulting gastroenterology appointment, they’ll explain it’s not blood in your urine, but a painful mix of Zatarain’s crab boil and Tony Chachere’s Original Creole Seasoning.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Inspired by a local couple whose yard was transformed as part of a reality TV show, you’ll finally get out and mow your damn lawn. Hours later, soaked in sweat and covered in mosquito bites, you’ll allow nature to reclaim your house. You’ll eventually be entombed in popcorn tree roots and kudzu.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After your neighbors continue to walk into your yard and speak with you without an invitation, you’ll begin traversing your own lawn disguised as shrubbery. Things will get hairy, though, when a dog catches your scent, but you’ll ultimately remain undetected.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Though you aren’t personally affected, you’ll make plans to join fishermen protesting the shortened red snapper season next week. Despite a strong effort, your lack of knowledge on the subject will be on full display as you start chanting “No justice! No reefs!”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll become the scourge of the city after a waitress blasts you on social media for leaving an insufficient tip. You’ll report the public chastising to her employer, but after seeing the $5 tip on your $150 meal, the owner’s only response will be reblogging her original post.