Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll stow away on the Carnival Fantasy for a free trip to Mexico. You’ll return weeks later comfortably packed inside an imported shipping container, part of a voyage that will never be memorialized in a $60 million museum dedicated to Gulf shipping.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll attempt to join the Poarch Band of Creek Indians after attending their annual powwow. They will politely decline, but award you the honorary Indian name “Dances with Cats.”
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll take advantage of the Iron Bowl distraction to enjoy the side of Alabama you rarely see. Registers at Wal-Mart will have no lines. Popeye’s chicken will have plenty of spicy dark meat. And the Wallace Tunnel will be free and clear of traffic for approximately four hours.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Hearing of Mike Pence’s treatment at a theater on Broadway, you’ll join millions across the U.S. in a boycott of “Hamilton.” However, given the likelihood of the aggrieved traveling to New York to see a hip-hop musical written by a Puerto Rican, ticket sales will remain largely unaffected.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Trying to keep up with your co-workers’ level of activity, you’ll pick up an $80 windbreaker to prevent the cold from affecting your fitness regimen. However, you’ll soon learn they only buy “chic sportswear” to appear active when they go out for white wine.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After attending the Steeple on St. Francis’ first “secret show,” you’ll start to suspect other local concerts might be fronts marquee headliners. But after being removed from three consecutive Paw Paw’s Medicine Cabinet performances for screaming out “When does Foreigner start?,” you’ll abandon that suspicion altogether.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Next month, Facebook will announce its barometer for determining “fake news” to be “anything your uncle shares, likes or comments on.” While this approach may cause a small amount of legitimate information to be called into question, the chemtrail conspiracies and slanderous posts about his first wife will almost certainly be deleted.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be one of many Mobilians who will try to “butter” up Gov. Robert Bentley for an appointment to replace Sen. Jeff Sessions. While most will offer him money, you’ll know what he really wants. You’ll show up to his office slathered in Country Crock.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — As a result of the state’s burn ban, you’ll be cited for putting too many combustible Christmas lights on your home. Aggravated, you’ll lobby State Rep. Chris Pringle for a constitutional amendment to help restore your light freedom. It’ll will be called the illumination elimination elimination bill.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll become rich almost overnight when you discover a way to turn the coal dust downtown into diamonds. Your process, which adds pressure to low levels of the atmosphere, makes it literally rain diamonds.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll start your own ghost hunting company after hearing complaints about otherworldly beings downtown. You’ll blame the destruction of the haunted 522 Dauphin St. for the presence of the spooky visitors, who willl soon leave after making several noise complaints.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll pretentiously graze around the Thanksgiving table this week, wondering aloud about the absence of smoked gouda, a selection of fresh olives, and a hired man shucking fresh oysters. You’ll compensate for it by crashing a wedding party next month.