Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — When your work friends discover you don’t have cable at home, they will taunt you for being unable to watch “the sports” on television. You will be unsure what they mean when they talk about something called football or “feefa” because you only watch PBS cooking programs and the Bob Ross painting show. You will quickly head to the library to research, only to be confused by the two different kinds of “football.” You decide to quit your job and work at the library, where your appreciation for public television will be celebrated.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) — Your great week will begin with a letter in the mail from the automobile loan lender you overpaid the previous month, noting you don’t owe anything for another three weeks. You will spend the money you budgeted for your car payment on new thick-frame glasses so you can fit in with your friends at the record store. You’ll score free tickets to a country-rap fusion concert at The Wharf, and enjoy only having to pay for nachos and a Diet Coke. A fortune cookie from your favorite Chinese food buffet will affirm, “You are special.”
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — Your awful week will begin with the news that plans for a third “Tron” film have been scrapped. You will be disappointed when the local “alternative rock” station plays nothing but songs from the ‘70s while you’re in the car on the way to work. When your plans to hang out with the guys fall through, you will have to listen to Frozen’s “Let it Go” with your daughter while you scrub the bathroom floor at home.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — After catching some of the highlights from the E3 showcase in Los Angeles, you’ll be excited about the possibility of virtual-reality gaming in the near future. However, after a few minutes of joyful imagination, you’ll remember the film “Tron” and start to remember the risks associated with “full-immersion” gaming. With your best interests in mind, you’ll dust off the old Sega Genesis and continuing playing video games the way they were meant to be played — offline and in your parents’ basement.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — After hearing about the Rachel Dolezal incident in Spokane, Washington, you’ll start to consider your own race and how being true to yourself might be something other than continuing to identify with your actual ethnicity. You’ll try out a few races before finally accepting that you are and have always been “a Pacific Islander” on the inside. Hosting your first luau the following day, you’ll feel a sense of comfort and belonging as you think to yourself, “There’s nothing even remotely offensive about any of this.”
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — As the music-festival season draws to a close, your decision to attend none of them will be validated while reviewing photos posted by your childless and underemployed friends from college. As you take in the sight of dirty feet and hair, you’ll realize that no bland list of alternative pop groups and EDM artists could ever motivate you to reach a lack of cleanliness on that scale. With a sense of pride, you’ll check your IRA from your work-issued phone before weeping softly into your autographed Dave Matthews shirt.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/22) — The return of a digital-publisher extraordinaire to the Mobile media market has you speculating about the “exciting changes” that are sure to follow. You offer some friendly advice to some local “content creators” to get out while they’re ahead, lest they be tasked with creating such listicles as “11 Amazing Things Our Publisher Did for Tornado Victims” and stories such as “Our Publisher Met a Tornado Victim Whose Piano Was Broken, You Won’t Believe What Happened Next.”
Capricorn (12/23 – 1/19) — You are jealous you were once again not asked to accompany the Mobile delegation on their trip to the Paris Air Show. I mean, if a certain city councilor gets to go every time, why can’t you go just once? But Dr. Z says the planets are not aligned for such travel and you should just watch “Midnight in Paris” and “Amelie,” while eating French fries instead. Don’t worry, your efforts will be just as effective as some of our elected officials in recruiting business and will save taxpayers money.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — After your mom made a big deal about wanting a massage for Mother’s Day, you figured your dad may want the same for Father’s Day. After checking ratings online, you buy a gift certificate for a highly-rated “spa” among local men. After a sting operation occurs at the spa as he enjoys your gift, your father finds his day does not end happily. Forced to register as a sex offender, your entire family has to move. You will spend future Christmases at a motel on Highway 90.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — You were one of the many doubters who laughed at the attendance numbers projected for one of Mobile’s largest museums. The number of visitors far outpaces the projections and the museum becomes one of the most popular tourist venues in the southeast. Five years after it opens, it’ll still be successful, until Hurricane Xander comes ashore and washes it away. The six-year building process will then start all over again.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — An errant tweet teasing LeBron James after the Cavaliers lose game 7 of the NBA finals will result in the 6-foot-7-inch guard/forward paying a visit your house. In lieu of violence, he’ll sit on your couch and tease you while you do mundane things, like read the newspaper or make breakfast. He’ll then challenge you to a game of one-on-one and proceed to keep you from possessing the rock for more than a second at a time. The visit will be pretty cool, but it’ll also teach you a lesson.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — Your “work for the weekends” mentality will get you into trouble late on a Tuesday afternoon in the near future. You’ll be hungry and broke, so you’ll think it’s a good idea to eat a fast-food hamburger you’ll find sitting in its wrapper on top of the garbage. You’ll quickly consume the trash burger, assuming the three-second rule applies to objects in the garbage. The combination of the day-old meat and the quickness with which you ate it will lead to a bowel storm of epic proportions.
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
It looks like you are opening this page from the Facebook App. This article needs to be opened in the browser.
iOS: Tap the three dots in the top right, then tap on "Open in Safari".
Android: Tap the Settings icon (it looks like three horizontal lines), then tap App Settings, then toggle the "Open links externally" setting to On (it should turn from gray to blue).