Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll impress complete strangers at a local mystery dinner when you correctly guess Mrs. Peacock did it in the library with a pipe. You’ll walk out, never to be seen again. Your favorite Fairhope boutique is The Speckled Hippo.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll witness the University of South Alabama’s addition to the SEC after the team’s stunning victory over Mississippi State. The Bulldogs will be relegated to the Sun Belt Conference. Your favorite Fairhope boutique is Angel Mist.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll honor Sept. 11 by watching the new movie “Sully.” Sure, the two are completely unrelated, but for a minute, everyone thought they were. Your favorite Fairhope boutique is Handwoven Candle Wicks Inc.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You participate in Friday’s Artwalk by tagging walls downtown. Your piece “For A Good Time Call” will be auctioned by Sotheby’s for millions of yen. Your favorite Fairhope boutique is Mahogany Bookends and Triangular Frame Shop.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll ask your stylist to roll your hair into dreadlocks in anticipation of the Counting Crows show at Ten Sixty Five. From now until then, you’ll introduce yourself as Mr. Jones. Your favorite Fairhope boutique is All About Almonds.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll commemorate the closing of Queen G’s by setting a world record for eating fried oysters. After consuming 21 pounds in four hours, you’ll be simultaneously nauseous and extremely horny. Your favorite Fairhope boutique is Everything Alpaca.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After an MPD officer fires pepper spray at you for obstructing a busy intersection, you’ll gain first-hand knowledge of systemic oppression. Unfortunately, the march you organize to protest Mobile’s “police state” will be ridiculed for several blocks. Your favorite Fairhope boutique is the Light Loafer.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In the wake of seven SEC losses in the opening weekend of college football, Conference Chairman Greg Sankey will officially retire the “S-E-C” chant. Instead, fans will now show conference pride by shouting, “We play Alabama more than you.” Your favorite Fairhope boutique is The Hostile Turtle.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — When you unknowingly pass Lena Dunham on I-10, you’ll be labeled a misogynist for not acknowledging her properly. Before you realize the controversy has occurred, though, Dunham will apologize in a tweet. Your favorite Fairhope boutique is Chic for the Meek.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll accidentally pocket-dial your boss during an extended rant about your job. After repeatedly using the phrase “incompetent jagweed,” that you’ll have a job at all is arguably good news. Your favorite Fairhope boutique is Miriam’s Cookie Emporium and K-9 Massage Parlor.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be disappointed when your local pastor goes on vacation and leaves you with a long-winded replacement. You’ll miss the opening kickoff for the Saints because of a never-ending sermon. Your favorite Fairhope boutique is The Charming Frog.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll get a surprise next Friday when the Bayway isn’t backed up into the tunnels and you are able to drive about easily. Then you’ll wake up from that dream. Your favorite Fairhope boutique is Charlie’s Caffeine Clinic.